subscribe
/ Sign Out

Ant-Man, and eight other superheroes it is impossible to give a f**k about

A NEW Ant-Man film is out this weekend, which will only be watched because it is part of a series and February. Nobody cares about him or these losers:

She-Hulk

A female Hulk, except not a wild, destructive force of rage but chatty, fun and a lawyer, in an epic case of missing the point.

Robin

Batman needs a child sidekick wearing bright colours like a black-clad special ops team needs a troupe of clowns throwing pies.

Venom

An evil black-suited Spider-Man only suited to battling Spider-Man, which he is currently unable to do for contractual reasons, so is therefore shit-useless.

Captain Britain

Our equivalent to Captain America is an aristocrat given superpowers by Merlin at Stonehenge, an origin so witlessly based on ignorant American views of our country it’s surprising he doesn’t drive a London bus with a thatched roof.

Swamp Thing

Big mossy dude who hangs around in swamps, where there is historically very little crime except illegal fishing. Talks and thinks as slowly as a tree would and is as fantastically entertaining.

Various Iron Men

The original was fine. Nobody needs a legion of knock-offs in knock-off armour. We’re not far away from a Classic Iron Men show held on a bank holiday, with fussy middle-aged men proud of how few miles are on their 2006 Iron Man armour they polish in the garage.

Shazam!

Has the powers of Superman with the added ability to tell you what any song is within a few bars. Used to be called Captain Marvel but his powers didn’t include immunity to copyright lawsuits.

Daredevil

Blind Batman who defends Hell’s Kitchen in New York, a small, peaceable area of Manhattan home to the Actors Studio and many fancy restaurants, in a classic case of accepting your limitations.

Ant-Man

Shrinks. Commands ants. Beat his wife up in the comics. Starring in his third film this weekend in a triumph for creative bankruptcy.

Woman to spend all day cleaning up her own hair

A WOMAN doing a quick clean will spend 90 per cent of the time clearing large clumps of her own knotted hair.

Lucy Parry is emotionally readying herself for the thankless task of wiping and hoovering up her many shedded hairs, as well as picking them up individually when the sheer volume causes her hoover to break down.

Parry said: “It’s a long and horrible process to eradicate it all. First I’ll tackle the mysterious little nests that appear in the corners of carpeted rooms, as if I live with a flock of tiny, invisible birds.

“Then there are the ones on the walls of the shower room, which defy being removed with a quick swipe of a wet cloth and have to be tortuously plucked off one-by-one.

“And finally there is the horror of the shower trap, which I know is clogged up to f**k with slimy, tangled old hair as it hasn’t drained properly for six months. It’ll be like a John Carpenter film in there, but with an even more hideous monster.”

Parry’s partner Josh Hudson said: “How can a woman constantly lose such a huge volume of hair and not be completely bald?

“They say being part of the patriarchy is good but I’d swap it in a second to not have a thin patch that gets bigger every time I look in the mirror.”

Next story ›