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A dad's guide to the most erotic high street shops

HIGH streets are hotbeds of X-rated raunchy filth if you know where to look. Father-of-two Bill McKay takes you on a guided tour of the smut they contain.

Bravissimo

A lingerie shop which caters to the larger-chested lady, which explains why I always slow down and let out a sigh as I walk past the display window. However, their bras cost a pretty penny due to all the extra fabric and underwiring, so I don’t draw the wife’s attention to it in case she wants to go in.

Ann Summers

The pedestrian end of the sex shop spectrum, but not without its delights. And seeing as they’re so normalised on our nation’s high streets, you’re free to openly gawp at the raunchy products in the window without fear of recrimination from fellow shoppers. Don’t step inside though, everyone in there is so young you’ll feel like a repulsive fossil and have to pretend you thought it was a Halfords.

Boux Avenue

This one’s owned by that Theo whatshisface who used to be on Dragons’ Den, but try not to think about him as you ogle the mannequins or it’ll disturb your sex drive. The last thing you want to imagine is that house elf-like presenter skittering around in a lacy bra with matching pants. Oh, too late, sorry.

Pour Moi

Pour Moi doesn’t have as many outlets as the other brands, but if you pack some sandwiches you can make a nice day trip out of visiting one of their shops. Fob the kids off with some bullshit about going to Ryman’s, then sneak off for a good hour of gazing longingly at their beautiful lingerie, swimwear and comfy nightwear. Phwoar.

Mountain Warehouse

The thinking man’s erotic fantasy. Other shops might dazzle you with their cheap thrills, but what could be hotter than eyeing up a female shop window dummy with a bamboo loungewear T-shirt stretched across its chest? That thing’s practical, stylish and sustainable. I’m pitching a tent just thinking about it.

Do you do oral, and other questions you wish you could ask on a first date

FIRST dates are all about playing it cool and presenting the best version of yourself. But in reality everyone just wants to know the answers to these to-the-point questions.

Do you do oral?

You wish you could slip this question in right after ‘When’s your birthday?’ and ‘Do you have any siblings?’ but manners dictate otherwise. Which is stupid. If that’s what you want, why shouldn’t you be upfront about it? They probably want to know if you’re willing to go down on them too. Maybe hold back all that weird kinky shit you’re into for the second date though.

Any legitimately crazy exes I should know about?

Not those ‘crazy’ ones that dumped your date for perfectly understandable reasons, no. Instead, you want to hear if there are any jealous bunny boilers in their romantic history. The last thing you want is to get attached to someone only to find that you’ll have to fend off a vengeful spurned lover. You’re busy enough with work as it is.

Will you ever become a f**king DJ?

This terrible fate strikes down many a potential romantic interest. Everything will be going well for a few months, if not years, then you’ll notice them start to develop a love for vinyl and catch them watching YouTube videos about turntables. You can’t confront them about this before it happens, though, otherwise you’ll look like a control freak.

Are your parents awful people?

Not just a bit annoying or an acquired taste. Are they terrible people with zero redeeming qualities? After all, if this date goes really well, you’ll end up having to spend a lot of time with them. Some advance warning only seems fair, not least because your date will have inherited some of their flaws.

Seriously, why are you still single?

Asking someone why they’re still single is apparently a dating no-no. Which is a shame, as you’d save yourself time and money if you could ask this before your drinks have arrived, even though they would probably storm out, offended, which wouldn’t help in your search for a lasting relationship. Just assume it’s because of their looks or personality, or both.

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