Alcohol

THE dark, depressing nights are drawing in and you’re scared to put the lights or heating on, so the best option is to get wankered. Here are seven drinks with a flimsy autumnal theme.

DID you buy someone a pint five years ago and they are yet to repay their beer debt? Broach the topic carefully but forcefully.

A MAN does not know how he would get through the day without the aid of his trusty emotional support pint.

ORDERED a cask ale only to be charged a preposterous sum of money? These are the ridiculous made-up reasons why.

TOMORROW is an historic day of national mourning. Mark the occasion appropriately by getting deferentially drunk.

AFTER years of friendship, a man has been given a card from a mate for no comprehensible reason other than that it was his birthday.

MOST alcoholic drinks are an acquired taste, because they are vile. These are so delicious you will have no idea you're pissed until it's too late.

DID you hit the pub hard last night, safe in the knowledge you have today off? Do Recovery Monday in traditional style.

A COUPLE who have been seeing each other for several week are deciding if they are ready to spend time together while not absolutely pissed.

ALL a pub needs is alcohol, toilets and, in a perfect world, seats. But your local hostelry thinks you want more. Here’s the unnecessary pub stuff that will quickly get on your tits.