The six stages of trying and failing to leave the pub

25th April 2023

ONLY staying for one? The immutable laws of the pub will prevent you from doing so as you become trapped in the following sequence:

‘I’ll just have one’

You start out strong with intentions for one honest pint. Only before you know it that pint has slid down faster than a snake’s lunch and you’ve barely had a chance to make an opening remark about Arsenal’s chances this year. It would be rude to leave now.

‘Right!’

You slap your knees decisively, announcing an intention to leave. And then you slap them again and your hands snag on your wallet, which accidentally slips out and orders you a second drink. An unfortunate error.

‘Oh, go on then’

Renewed intention to leave drives you out of your seat, but now your mate at the bar has signalled with a tipping motion. In this cost-of-living crisis, surely it would be criminal to pass up a freebie? You sit back down, for savvy financial reasons.

‘One more won’t hurt’

It’s become harder to remember how many drinks you’ve had, which must be because it’s barely any. Therefore, the only sensible course of action seems to be to have another to steady yourself.

‘I really must be going’

You get the sense that now really is the time to leave, because of a noise that might be last orders or your brain clanging against your skull. However, when trying to move, you can’t seem to find the exit or which order to move your limbs to walk.

‘F**k me, I’m bladdered’

Curled up in a ball on the floor, you admit defeat and wait for some kind soul to shove you into a taxi. Not to worry though, you’ll be back tomorrow for another go. And it’ll definitely be just one that time.

Chillax, and seven other mutant words that should never have been born

25th April 2023

SOME words created from smashing two others together are useful, like internet or biopic. These ought to have been drowned at birth:

Chillax – from chill and relax

Said by people who venerate prosecco, observe gin o’clock nightly and whose kitchens have wanky wooden boards saying ‘In this house happiness is homemade’. Chillax ought to be repurposed to mean ‘Children, look away as I smash your parents’ wanky wooden boards with an axe’.

Floordrobe – from floor and wardrobe

You’re not a 16-year-old wallowing in a torpor of masturbation. You’re in your 40s with a flat, a car and a responsible job. So stop leaving your clothes on the bedroom floor and put them in the wardrobe or at least on a twatty little rail. And stop eating toast in bed.

Japandi – from Japanese and Scandinavian

The latest interior design trend is a mash-up of Japanese minimalism and Scandinavian functionality, like if Ikea sold paper-and-bamboo desks. We have a good shot at killing the word before it gains traction if we pull together in a show of British unity not seen since Boaty McBoatface. All we need to do is kill anyone who says Japandi.

Glamping – from glamorous and camping

Camping sucks. So glamping was invented, allowing couples who want that festival vibe without the all-pervading dampness to sleep in yurts and discuss their property portfolios as they sip Sauvignon Blanc in a wooden hot tub. Costs the same as a hotel.

Gastropub – from gastronomy and pub

To transform your pub into a gastropub throw all your plates in a skip and replace them with anything, absolutely anything. Bits of slate your roofer mate can’t be arsed to flytip, cut-up planks dredged from the canal, the covers of old Guinness World Record books. Then offer burgers stabbed with a toothpick served with chips in a shoe.

Chuggers – from charity and muggers

The reason for the death of the high street? Chuggers. To go shopping is to run a gauntlet of young people pestering you for money and making you feel guilty for buying clothes you don’t need and won’t wear. You don’t get that at home, unless you’ve got kids.

Twincest – from twins and incest

Made famous by Game of Thrones, which featured twins Cersei and Jaime Lannister at it in the monarchical tradition. But when are we likely to need this term again? Hopefully never?

Brexit – from Britain and exit

An utter omnishambles as it now appears Boris Johnson knew on day one. The twunt.