A MAN who absolutely underdid it on the pints has woken up mortified at the not even slightly embarrassing things he said the night before.
After celebrating a friend’s birthday with alcohol-free lagers, Wayne Hayes knew he’d f**ked it when he woke the next morning feeling clear-headed and full of energy, with a settled stomach and neither his home nor finances in disarray.
Hayes said: “I can’t stop going over all those bloody reasonable things I was coming out with. And because I was sober, my memory of them is excruciatingly perfect.
“Leon’s new girlfriend was there and I brought up all these not-at-all-odd subjects, like work, popular TV shows and anecdotes that weren’t shameful for anyone, least of all me. God knows what she’ll think.
“I paid for Martin, the birthday boy, to get an Uber home because he was too obliterated to use his phone. Look at these two to three texts I sent him checking he got in alright and thanking him for a great evening. I’m never living that down.
“Then, of course, I bump into Donna, who I’ve had a crush on for ages. What do I go and do? Talk to her respectfully. Ask her questions about herself and listen attentively. I didn’t lunge drunkenly, stinking of fags, at her even once.
“Anyone there last night must have a completely normal amount of respect for me. Worse still, I’ve got a healthy amount of respect for myself. I’ll say it: I’m never not drinking again.”
