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Britain still lying about how drunk it is

THE UK has yet to meet even minimum standards of honesty about its level of intoxication, it has emerged. 

With Christmas party season in full swing, millions of Britons are claiming they alternated wine and water or stopped after their main course, shortly before collapsing into hedges or attempting to get on decks which are not there.

Martin Bishop, the manager of a Swindon accountancy firm, said: “I’m not pissed. Honestly I’m fine. It’s just that I seem to have lost a shoe.”

Communications manager Donna Sheridan agreed: “He’s not pissed. He’s only been on wine. You can’t get drunk on wine. I’ve been on spirits since 11am but I’m alright because I can still see. Is this one of those restaurants where you can smoke indoors?”

Attempting to hold on to a railing that was not there, Tom Logan of Stevenage said: “We lie about the drunk, the drink thing, not just to others like the girlfriend who I told I’d pick up her parents at the station tonight, but to ourselves. About drink.

“I’m fine. I am fine. Do you know Geoff? What time is it?”

Deputy payroll controller Helen Archer confirmed she could still give everyone a lift home because she had a big lunch and vodka does not count.

She explained: “You see vodka has no smell – it has no smell – so if the police stop me I can just pretend that I’ve had a stroke.

“But then again why would they, given that I don’t drink because I’m such a good girl. Now then, who would like to see what’s in my knickers?”

My father was a sandwich, says Starmer

KEIR Starmer has come to the defence of sandwiches by pointing out that his father was a convenient bread-based meal.

In an effort to salvage some much-needed popularity, the prime minister revealed that as well as being a toolmaker his dad was also a salt-of-the-earth sandwich like the ones you buy from Boots or the Co-op.

He said: “In a metaphorical sense, my working-class father Rodney was a humble meal who contained proletarian fillings like bacon or chips. Class and privilege were the two societal slices of bread pressing down on him at all times.

“I’ve got many fond memories of him heading off for a long shift in the factory before promptly returning home in time for tea. And while none of us explicitly said so at the time, I know the whole family saw a sandwich when they looked at him. Cliche as that may sound.

“If he were bread, he would be cut from good honest Hovis. Bite into him and you would find cheese and maybe a thin spread of pickle. He was plain, straightforward, unexciting, and what you’d resort to if everything else was unappealing, just like me.”

Starmer added: “In a more literal sense my dad was admittedly a human being. I apologise deeply for misleading the public with a tedious, irrelevant anecdote about my background again.”

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