Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
The local council officer asks you take take down the bunting and the trestle tables for the street party after realising it was to celebrate the 74th birthday of Saddam Hussein.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
The unseasonably hot weather has given you an excuse for being found spark out in your garden, as you can claim to be sunbathing. The overcoat might be a bit of a giveaway, mind.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your smartphone has been tracking where you’ve been, which websites you’ve visited and who you’ve called for the last year. Pretty valuable data if you weren’t such a mouldering gobshite.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
I’m not in love, and don’t forget it, it’s just a silly phase I’m going through. What? Oh, sorry, I mean ‘I do’.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
So it’s a proper drama, dealing in adult themes, like The West Wing or The Sopranos, right? Only with dragons and dwarves and suchlike? Piss right off.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Product placement takes your usual viewing into odd new areas this week as Fern Britton interviews Tess Daly whilst idly toying with a 14” dildo from the new Ann Summers range.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Finding you squatted over the litter tray in their kitchen at 4am, your neighbours begin to realise quite how much their cat shitting in your garden really bothers you.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life which is probably why you’ll spend it flat on your back, screaming and unable to control your bowel movements.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
£50 for a comedy gig ticket is excellent value for money when you consider all the promoters’ overheads, like a microphone, a backdrop, a huge bag of cocaine and an army of nameless writers writing their jokes for them.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Correction: last month’s horoscope should have read ‘until a ripe old age’ rather than ‘until next week’. Apologies for any distress caused.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Everyone in work admires the fact you don’t ask for any cover while you’re away on holiday but that’s mainly because you don’t want anyone seeing what an unholy arse you’re making of everything.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Try explaining to your partner that you were drunk, you were lonely, they were out of town and he was just there. Maybe then he’ll forgive you for watching the Graham Norton show. I wouldn’t, but he might.

Steve Davis to make prog rock sexy again

LITHE snooker legend Steve Davis’s new BBC radio show is going to put the sexy back into progressive rock music, it was claimed last night.

Executives at BBC Radio 6 believe Davis’s new weekly show The Steven Davis Progressive Rock and Concept-Driven Melodic Rock Hour will bring a much-needed female audience to a genre often perceived as ‘uncool’.

A spokesman for the station said: “We’re taking a style of music commonly identified with unmarried male IT professionals of a certain age and flipping the script with an injection of raw flame-haired sexuality.

“Anyone with a womb will know that snake-hipped Steve is so hot he could make their radio pregnant. Such is his smoulder factor that he even looks like a lit cigarette.”

Steve Davis, whose impressive sexual track record permits him to refer to himself in the third person, said: “Steve Davis has two loves in life – ladies and progressive rock.

“Snooker is just a lucrative hobby that allows him to sup more deeply from those two metaphorical goblets of pleasure, without having to worry about his mortgage.

“While not wishing to stray into the terrain of vulgarity, Steve knows from experience that rock music with interesting time signatures, flutes and Michael Moorcock references stimulates certain zones of the female body in interesting and beautiful ways.

“This is especially true of the very obscure German mono pressing of Magma’s self-titled debut album. Which Steve just happens to have in his extensive collection.”

BBC Radio 6’s newly-unveiled summer schedule also features Ray Reardon’s Minimal Techno Dimension and Folk Forest with Ronnie O’Sullivan.