Animals

SIR David Attenborough has called for new measures to protect wildlife ‘except wasps and midges who can just fuck off’.

A CAT paused a vicious fight to groom itself for some reason, according to eyewitnesses.

A CAT has very briefly considered not being an utter bastard.

A DOG has been shocked to discover his owner is not a pack leader but a lowly subordinate.  

A CAT has set up a lucrative crack-style operation selling tinned tuna to other cats.

THERESA May has unveiled the new Downing Street pet, a 150-pound rottweiler called ‘Gary’.

THE cannibalistic female funnel web spider is amazingly like the bitch he used to be married to, a divorced scientist has claimed.

THE steaming Jurassic jungles were alive with the sound of dinosaurs that sounded like aggrieved Scousers, paleontologists have claimed.