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Moyes urged to tone down utter contempt for Sunderland

DAVID Moyes has been urged to tone down his palpable disdain for Sunderland Football Club.

Former Man Utd boss, Moyes has been told that if he could come across ever so slightly less like he hates the club, the city and his place in life then that would be just great.

Sunderland fan Martin Bishop said: “We all hate Sunderland but sometimes you’ve got to just shut up and make the best of your situation. Kinda like what we did after the referendum.”

Moyes said: “I used to be the Man United manager. Then I was living it up in Spain. Oh, beautiful, sunny Spain.

“Now I’m doing this shit. Freezing my arse off and trying to make Victor Anichebe look like he was good value on a Bosman.”

“Are you expecting me to be doing cartwheels?”

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Dad disappointed he never got to be a heroin addict

THE release of T2 Trainspotting has left a middle-aged man feeling depressed that it is probably too late to become an Edinburgh heroin addict.

After being deeply impressed by the original film 20 years ago, Tom Logan now feels the chance to lead a life of drug addiction and petty crime has passed him by.

Office manager Logan said: “The lifestyle in Trainspotting looked brilliant with all the partying and crazy adventures, but I never got my act together and became addicted to heroin.

“Now I’ve got three kids and a mortgage so it’s not really practical to spend all day shoplifting and shooting up in a squalid flat. This is what happens when you don’t follow your dreams.

“I wouldn’t have a clue where to find exciting junkie friends like Renton and Sick Boy, and Kelly Macdonald’s character was way out of my league in 1996 so I don’t fancy my chances now.

“I tried getting some weed off my ageing hippy friend Pete and smoking it in the shed but it’s not the same.

“The worst thing is I can’t even watch the film anymore because the whole ‘choose life’ speech is about square people like me.”

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