subscribe
/ Sign Out

Historic six-nil giant-killing victory won by plucky little amateurs

A GROUP of plucky football-loving amateurs have scored a historic six-nil win over England’s billionaire football clubs. 

The shock victory saw Chelsea, Liverpool, Man United and Man City, Arsenal and Spurs get the shit comprehensively kicked out of them by a bunch of grubby little fans living in terraced houses who know way more about the spirit of the game.

The win is deeply ironic because it represents exactly the kind of unlikely sporting triumph for fair play and collective spirit the clubs were trying to opt out of.

Fan Nathan Muir of Hitchin said: “Weren’t expecting that were you, arrogant wankers? Want a f**king VAR review?

“Come up with all the bulldozing tactics you like, but ultimately it’s all about what happens on the day and over the 72 hours you crumbled like Newcastle in the 1996 title race.

“This is a historic humiliation. The lads Henderson and Maguire done good. You’re trudging back to your shareholders shame-faced, tails between your legs, a disgrace to the f**king badge.”

A Big Six chairman said: “Yeah, laugh it up. Your season ticket price just got doubled.”

World pleasantly surprised as man filmed committing entire murder found guilty of it

THE world has been pleasantly surprised that an American policeman who was filmed committing a murder, from start to finish, was actually found guilty of it. 

The conviction of Derek Chauvin on counts of murder and manslaughter has surprised everyone who assumed that even though his cold-blooded murder of George Floyd was recorded comprehensively from several angles he might still get away with it.

Will McKay of Birmingham said: “Well. Convicted on all three counts and spending the rest of his life behind bars. I have to admit I wasn’t expecting that.

“Of course the man was clearly guilty and had no real defence, but he was a white cop and the victim was black and this is America, so there was plenty of room for doubt.

“Perhaps this will even set a new evidential standard so the next policeman filmed blatantly murdering an innocent citizen on camera, not even trying to hide it, will also be convicted. I mean you can dream.

“Then that’ll only leave all the cases that don’t happen on an open street in broad daylight, that aren’t filmed in their entirety, and where the victim isn’t unarmed and handcuffed throughout the whole thing.

“In those the cop will obviously get off and return to the streets to kill again. Still, baby steps.”

Next story ›