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OUT there it’s dark, cold and inhospitable and will be for months, so why not subliminate that nagging desire to hang yourself into knotting a scarf instead?

BONO here, lead singer and spokesperson for U2, global poverty and the planet herself. It’s not cool to park outside our houses, guys. Let me tell you why.

‘You tuber,’ you whisper, to a potato.

SEATED in the first class compartment of a train from London to Brighton, I snort, wonder when it will deign to set off, and take a restorative draught of whiskey.

AN English beach, the surf crimson. RAF gunships sinking distant boats. A one-way plane to Rwanda awaiting any survivors. Doesn’t it gladden the heart?

BATMAN movies keep coming, ever-darker, ever-ignoring that bats aren’t scary even post-Wuhan. Is 2008’s The Dark Knight the best one ever, or crap?

ON the fringes of, but thankfully not part of, the blighted industrial wasteland of the Black Country, Stourbridge has but two claims to fame – glassblowing and late 80s indie.

MIND-BOGGLING as it is to contemplate, there is a greater variety of size, shape and flavour of boobs than there are of crisps.

DON'T be tempted to experiment with a Ouija board this Halloween. You’re already a gullible bastard who believes in horoscopes so there's no need to advertise it.

AS I come to, I realise a cat is in the middle of a bowel movement, excreting directly into my ear canal. I attended a drinks reception at Downing Street last night and must have fallen asleep in Larry’s litter tray.