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WAKING dressed in naught but a simple loincloth, hanging from a large crucifix, stared at by horrified schoolchildren, I recall the events that led to my present pass.

THE BBC reported it with chortling glee. The slave-owning Guardian was delighted. But for Rishi’s sake, and for Britain’s, this white grooming gang must be ignored.

Southend-on-Sea, pronounced locally with the traditional double-F intonation, was developed as a seaside resort in the 19th century despite being situated on an estuary.

CROONER and enduring source of mystification Michael Bublé has taken time out from touring Britain to tell us how he drives women over 35 wild with desire.

A WOMAN has told her boyfriend that she will happily accept his request for anal penetration if he is prepared to give it a go in return.

Yes, goldfish have a poor memory. But only a scumbag would take advantage of that.

WAKING in a gutter in Hamburg’s notorious Reeperbahn, I once again am able to blame no less an authority than the King for my ignominy.

‘TROUBLE is,’ says Suella on Zoom, ‘apparently rural communities by RAF bases don’t want 6,000 asylum seekers.’ My wife rolls her eyes and sticks her tongue out.

THEY say the Scandinavian people are the happiest in the world, though God knows how when it's dark and freezing and beer's ten quid a pint.

GORILLAZ, the cartoon vehicle for Britpop’s Damon Albarn once nobody could bear to look at him, lit up the 00s but are they good? Or was it just the cool videos?