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I THOUGHT only my generation had computer games, in the same way my parents didn’t have streaming or the internet, just wooden spinning tops to entertain them during the war.

INOFFENSIVE, picturesque Durham. Without the fun factor of Newcastle or the ruggedness of Darlington, this medieval site instead thrives on inane wankiness, claiming to have its own shade of purple.

THANKS to unrealistic body images in movies, porn and the imaginings of your own filthy mind, you’d think everyone is an abnormal freak with a toned arse, a clearly defined neck and no beer gut. 

AS a millionaire Hollywood star who can shag anyone, I don’t get down to Sainsbury’s as much as I could. Now I’ve got 1,400 Nectar points burning a hole in my pocket. Here’s how I’ll smash through the f**king lot.

They say cocks come in all shapes and sizes but that’s not true. No-one’s ever seen one the shape and size of the Sydney Harbour Bridge.

WAKING in my own bed, head clear, having turned in at 10pm, the chirruping of the birds a serene herald to a most clement morning, I an glad of my decision to have a ‘dry night’.

WORN out by the ever-heightening drama of British news? Want to return to solid ground gently? Wind down with these comparatively relaxing activities.

MY LIFE has been nothing but a series of catastrophic failures and humiliating f**k-ups. But it’s not my fault. It’s Doctor Who’s. 

I THOUGHT I was ready for anything as your undercover agent in the Tories. Interrogation, danger, all that. But not the whole world thinking I’m a cretin.

Nestled among the rolling flatness of Somerset, Glastonbury is a retreat for lifestyle-choice hippies escaping the capitalist ideologies blighting our century and who are wealthy enough to do so.