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The Archbishop of Canterbury on… don't drop the fucking soap, Donald

WAKING up in the lion enclosure at Regent’s Park Zoo, I am aware of one of the beasts padding menacingly towards me. Fragments of memory return: following a late evening with the Bishop of York, we broke into the zoo and, in an attempt to recreate the story of Daniel (Daniel 6:22), I shinned over the fence to join the big cats. 

In my instance, it is not the God of Israel that saves me. Rather, as the lion approaches me practically nose-to-nose, I breathe directly into its face several times. The strength of the stale lager, rum and Tesco vodka fumes renders the animal immediately drowsy and it rolls onto its back, purring tipsily.

With a civil nod to the visitors outside the enclosure looking on and screaming hysterically, I make my exit, returning to my chambers, there to peruse a periodical. 

I read that the Daily Mail has set up a special ‘Woke Watch’, in which readers are invited to send in examples of how rampant wokeness has ruined their lives. ‘Has your school gone pronouns mad?’ they ask. ‘Worried you’ve lost your freedom of speech at your university?’

Oh my aching cock, are you shitting me in the fucking eyes? Global boiling, a massive cost-of-living crisis, an impending recession and you think anyone but the most boggle-eyed, pullovered fucking lunatic has time to worry about the non-existent problems you pull out of your arse as a fucking distraction from real ones? Ones which you either caused or make worse through your continued fucking existence? ‘Freedom of speech at your university’ makes me laugh. As if anyone who still reads the fucking Daily Mail is intellectually qualified to go to kindergarten, let alone fucking university!

Donald Trump was arraigned this week on four felony counts over his efforts to overturn the 2020 presidential election. For all his customary braggadocio, he was said to have looked somewhat subdued in the courtroom as he pled not guilty.

Fuck me up the vestry, I’ll say he was subdued. He was fucking shitting it! His leaking arse was sending a message to his brain that he is absolutely fucked! If it’s not this, it’ll be another of the list of felonies as long as his stupid fucking tie! And it serves the cunt right! I hope he has to share his fucking prison cell with a 32-stone psychopath sent down on a charge of fucking a rhinoceros to death! 

The German women’s football team suffered a ‘shock defeat’ in the World Cup, crashing out after a draw with the Korean Republic. In a previous tournament, the British commentator had remarked, ruefully, that the Germans, both the men’s and women’s teams, ‘always win’.

Hahahahahahaha, do they fuck! Where the fuck does this come from? They’ve been getting their arsches handed to them on a regular basis for fucking years! 1994! Kicked out of the fucking World Cup by Bulgaria! 2001! Thrashed at home 5-1 by fucking England of all teams! 2004! Crashed out of the Euros because they couldn’t even beat fucking Latvia! 2010! Beaten by fucking Serbia! 2018! Last in their World Cup group after South fucking Korea beat them 2-0! 2020! Beaten soundly by England! Last week! Women’s team beaten by fucking Columbia! Fucking Dick Dastardly and Muttley win more often then the Germans do! You’ve almost got to feel sorry for the cunts!

Finally, it seems that Alistair Campbell, formerly press secretary for Labour in the Blair era, is enjoying great success with his podcast The Rest Is Politics, co-hosted by the former Conservative MP Rory Stewart. 

Mother Mary’s wooden fucking sex toy, how the fuck does this dodgy fucking cunt fucking get away with it? You’d think the fucking Iraq war took place in 1376 or something, the way it’s fucking vanished from public memory! Any normal human being with Campbell’s fucking previous would have turned themselves in at the Hague years ago out of sheer fucking shame at the hundreds and thousands dead, but not this loathsome twat! Ah, but the civility, though, the civility of two political adversaries chatting civilly, with civil civility. Fuck civility! He’s a fucking Tory, you shouldn’t be hobnobbing with him, you should be biting the fucker’s head off! He’s a fucking Tory and they’ve been responsible for almost as many deaths this century as you, you cunt!

A confused Millennial tries… to understand how people ever smoked indoors

By Josh Gardner, who thinks TikTok is a reliable news source

SMOKING is evil. The only people who smoke are drunk middle-aged women outside clubs and people in black and white films. Yes, I smoke three spliffs a day but that’s different. It’s natural drugs from a local dealer, not an evil corporation.

I’ve had it drummed into me all through school how bad smoking is, so imagine my shock when my dad casually mentioned that when he started work in the olden days, people smoked in the office! Then mum chipped in and said they smoked in pubs too!

They even used to light up cigarettes in restaurants. Apparently they had ‘smoking sections’. Didn’t they know that smoke can float around wherever it decides to? People were really thick in the past.

There’s so much to unpack here. Dad’s first office was definitely not paperless. They didn’t have email so they wrote letters on paper and put them in envelopes. They also had printers which used reams of joined-together paper. Then they lit up a fag!

It was an inferno waiting to happen. How the whole country wasn’t constantly ablaze and everyone didn’t die in a fire, I’ll never know. It’s a miracle I’m here to make Barbenheimer memes.

And as for smoking in a pub, well, I rarely go into one, unless my dad forces me because he wants to have a bonding moment now I’m 18. I don’t get it. Why do people want to sit in a dingy room that has, at most, a single screen in it, and drink disgusting beer? It’s gross. But if people smoked in them it would be even more disgusting. Apparently they flicked their ash into special trays that were kept on the table top. What the fuck, guys?

Then they started reminiscing about being able to smoke on the train. There was a special carriage apparently, full of people puffing away. Apparently you could smoke on planes too. And in school staff rooms. You could even smoke in hospitals.

There must have been burning planes falling from the sky all the time, and piles of dead children everywhere from passive smoking at school. I bet if you had an operation the surgeon and all the nurses would be flicking ash in you. That is so unhygienic.

Mum says times change and things that are actually pretty weird seem normal at the time, but she’s probably got brain damage from the chemicals in cigarettes. Right, I’m off to play Call of Duty with horrible strangers who literally scream ‘FAG!’ at me for six hours. It’s great.

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