AS A chef, I’m frequently asked is how to poach the perfect egg. If that’s your biggest problem in life go fuck yourself with a rusty saw, because some of us dream of being that fucking lucky. So let’s see which method works best.
Deep water
Boil at least four inches of water and add a teaspoon of vinegar. Be warned – this method does tend to leave wispy strands of egg white. What a fucking tragedy in your middle class foodie life. Let’s have a national day of mourning for your wispy egg.
You know I was once so skint I had to eat cat food? Not the pouches either. Or the tins. Dry food. That’s what a real problem looks like. You people. Where’s the cooking wine?
Strain and poach
Put the egg in a colander to drain off stray bits of albumen, then simmer it for exactly four minutes. Very much the fussy ponce’s method of poaching an egg. But that’s you, isn’t it? The sort of ponce who never misses Observer Food Monthly and knows how to ski.
Fuck knows what you’d do if you were me, stuck in this shithole rented flat, eking out a living writing inconsequential food articles, destined to be forever alone. I’d kill myself but nobody would notice. Also I’ve not finished poaching fucking eggs.
The whirlpool method
Create a vortex in a large pan of water and put the egg in the middle. Takes some practise, but definitely the professional chef’s method for making the perfect egg. Imagine being so worked up about a fucking egg that you’d do this shit.
I tell you what’s a vortex? My life. A vortex of self-loathing, debt, addictions and unbearable pain. Humilation and degradation, all whirling around in a soup of regret, spiralling down the drain. Meanwhile you’re there with your lovely houses and lovely children called Hugo and Portia and lovely schools and lovely au pairs and lovely cottages in the Cotswolds. Your unthinking sense of entitlement is disgusting. I wish I was you.
Fine strainer and no salt or vinegar
As the name suggests you need a strainer with a fine mesh to remove excess albumen. Yes, excess albumen. That’s what’s keeping you awake at night. There’s a war going on practically on our doorsteps and you can’t sleep because of your albumen build-up. You make me fucking sick. Shit did I finish another bottle of wine already? Just nipping to the corner shop.
The no-fuss method
We all love no-fuss cooking! Just bring a pan of plain water to a simmer and slide the eggs in from a ramekin. The eggs will come out a bit flat and not round, but no one said life was fair. When I was six my best friend was my puppy Patch. He ran under the gate and a van hit him. That’s what real life is, mate. Cruel, fucking cruel.
My conclusion
And so my odyssey of poaching comes to an end. Of all the methods I tried, I’d say the best one is: just fry the fucking thing. And take your pampered bourgeois existence and stick it up your arse. You’re like Marie fucking Antoinette if she’d said ‘Let them eat poached eggs’.
