Politics

CARRIE Symonds, as a PR professional and divorcé’s nightmare, writes daily letters to newspapers which are intercepted and burned. Here are a few of them: 

DOMINIC Cummings has damned Boris Johnson by saying tens of thousands of people needlessly died. If you’re a diehard Boris supporter, here’s how to pretend he’s still great.

NOT been paying attention to the news for the last few years? Here are all the reasons the health secretary should have been given the boot long ago.

ACCORDING to Dominic Cummings, Boris Johnson is not fit to be prime minister. Yes, and these other seven jobs: 

LET'S face it, Brexiters often seemed confused about what they were voting for. Here are some questions puzzling them about post-Brexit Britain. 

BORIS Johnson has decided to bring forward his wedding to Carrie Symonds to two o’clock this afternoon, he has announced.

BORIS Johnson has told the British public that his ex is a crazy bitch and they should not believe any of his made-up stories.

MILLIONS who hated lying bastard Dominic Cummings for years are ready to believe anything he says now he is slagging off Boris Johnson.

THE government has apologised for forgetting to announce eight variant Covid hotspots, that democracy is suspended and all drugs are legalised.

SHAKESPEARE. Bill Shakespeare. William Wordsworth Shakespeare. Am I at the wordcount yet? Blast. Have these chapter outlines and give me some money.