Politics

I NEVER thought it would end like this. In my head, after I’d led Britain roaring back to imperial glory, I have to quit because I’ve been caught f**king someone.

DID you vote for Boris Johnson in 2019? Feeling quite the rosette-wearing cock? Former Boris fan Norman Steele has nine pathetic ways to justify it.

FOUND yourself rooting for that bastard Cummings now that he’s putting the boot into Johnson? Come to terms with this development.

PEACEFUL protestors have celebrated the defeat of the government’s crime bill in the Lords by not being arrested, imprisoned without charge and shot at dawn.

IT’S January 2022, and the name on every Conservative minister desperately stalling for time’s lips is Sue Gray. But what’s it like to be her?

MATHEMATICS is yet another great British instutition captured by hard-left teachers who insist on things ‘adding up’. Here’s how patriots do it.

HER Majesty the Queen has consulted an internet search engine over whether she can fire Boris Johnson, it has emerged.

BORIS Johnson is to kill the BBC for being more popular with Britain than he is. What else could he destroy to win us round?

THE Queen has responded to Downing Street’s apology by commenting ‘f**king right they’re sorry’ but ‘not as sorry as they’re going to be’.

I’M allegedly an adult woman and a serious journalist, but I think I speak for all the ladies when I say: shag me, sexy Mr Chancellor, and fill me with your little Rishis.