Politics

A THIRD of a million pounds has been paid out by government to protect me, home secretary Priti Patel. I’m worth 10 times that. Let me explain why. 

THE BBC has been urged to be more discreet about its ongoing infatuation with chancellor Rishi Sunak.

WANT to spruce up the drab shoebox you sleep and shit in, but low on funds? Let prime ministerial consort Carrie Symonds explains how:

ARE you concerned about how today’s budget will affect you, but also worried that makes you a petty, penny-pinching bellend?

HI, BOY billionaire Rishi Sunak here, ready to accept praise for borrowing tens of billions with no clear plan to pay it back. But don’t you dare do the same.

THE Labour Party has been running every policy past three angry Boris Johnson supporters who would normally be in Wetherspoons, it has revealed.

THE prime minister has informed Britain that now the virus is beaten, the country must draw a line under any further scrutiny of his actions.

THE government is set to announce its roadmap out of lockdown later today. Here’s a step-by-step guide to regaining your freedom.

THE Conservatives have admitted to being ‘bloody frustrated’ that the UK is still more interested in pandemics and vaccines than their new ‘war on woke’. 

No ifs, no buts. If we are to move ahead together into a brighter tomorrow we must commit to an incredibly vague set of statements no human being could really disagree with.