Politics

AS personal trainer to the prime minister, I’m painstakingly logging his journey from obesity to good health. Here’s the story so far: 

A SPEECH by Boris Johnson at a primary school has made a child want to follow in the footsteps of his new hero.

AN incredible prophet can see a week into the future of England by watching the news on BBC Scotland.

FORMER Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has accepted a five-figure offer to teach Politics A-level at Stoke Newington Sixth Form College.

THE prime minister is holidaying in a remote cottage on the Scottish coast and keeping a mistress in a bell tent on the grounds. 

RECENTLY I’ve noticed columnists saying it’s wrong to appoint useless people to important jobs. As someone with a long history of incompetence, let me explain why they’re wrong.

WITH this nasty coronavirus business finally put to bed, Boris Johnson is taking a well-earned break from doing f**k all. Here’s how our lord and master will relax.

A MAN who is livid about the Conservatives’ handling of this year’s exams is definitely going to vote for them next time, he has confirmed.

OH FOR f**k’s sake. I had the press releases about betraying a generation of children ready to go. I’d rehearsed my anger. I was booked on breakfast TV.

EDUCATION secretary Gavin Williamson has reminded the nation that all he got was a BSc from the University of Bradford and look at him now.