Politics

RECENTLY I’ve noticed columnists saying it’s wrong to appoint useless people to important jobs. As someone with a long history of incompetence, let me explain why they’re wrong.

WITH this nasty coronavirus business finally put to bed, Boris Johnson is taking a well-earned break from doing f**k all. Here’s how our lord and master will relax.

A MAN who is livid about the Conservatives’ handling of this year’s exams is definitely going to vote for them next time, he has confirmed.

OH FOR f**k’s sake. I had the press releases about betraying a generation of children ready to go. I’d rehearsed my anger. I was booked on breakfast TV.

EDUCATION secretary Gavin Williamson has reminded the nation that all he got was a BSc from the University of Bradford and look at him now. 

HI, Rishi fans. Everyone agrees I’m great but it looks like those pesky hard times have arrived. Sad face. Here’s how to make ends meet in the ongoing financial shitstorm.

YES, there’s a recession on. Yes, it’s the deepest since records began. But just because once again it’s under a Tory government doesn’t mean it’s our fault.

IS there any nobler calling than grassing up refugees fleeing war zones? I think not. Here’s my guide to tirelessly standing guard over Britannia's borders.

YOU call them migrants. I call it an invasion worse than anything the Nazis planned so our shores must be defended by any means necessary. And I’m home secretary.

WHEN Britain ruled the world, its colonial governors wore three-piece suits with top hats and watch chains in the height of Ceylonese summer. As we all should.