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Independent Group discovering they hate each other's guts already

MEMBERS of the Independent Group have discovered that now they no longer have their parties to moan about they really fucking hate each other.

MPs Anna Soubry and Angela Smith are no longer speaking after a two-hour argument about recycling coffee pods, and Chuka Umunna is furious the WhatsApp group has refused his nickname ‘Maverick’.

Former Conservative MP Heidi Allen said: “Everyone seemed like they were totally on the same page before we quit. Now we’re all in the same room together, God they’re irritating.

“It turns out we’ve got fundamental differences on social policy, economic policy, foreign policy, whether Frasier jumped the shark after Niles and Daphne got together or later on, and even Brexit.

“I feel like someone who leaves their husband for a new guy, then discovers the new guy picks his nose and flicks it at the telly while commenting loudly about the size of everyone’s tits. Not naming anyone in particular.

“If we stick to just bitching about how fucking awful May and Corbyn are, we’re fine. Anything else? Difficult.”

Gavin Shuker, MP for Luton South, said: “In theory I want loads more Tories to join us. In practice? Not so much.”

Are you f**king furious enough about the ISIS bride?

ARE you worried you’re not being goaded enough by the media over ISIS bride Shamima Begum? Read our checklist and see if you could be angrier.

Are you really angry right now?

If the answer is ‘yes’, fine. If not, immediately read plenty of outraged articles. Take a handful of Pro Plus washed down with Monster energy drink to increase your tension levels.

Do you keep thinking about things that aren’t the ISIS bride?

The part of your brain that deals with ‘perspective’ could be fooling you into thinking there are bigger long-term issues facing the UK, like our precarious NHS. Get back to worrying about that evil ISIS bride.

Do you feel the media coverage is a tad excessive?

A ridiculous thought, but if you’re finding it hard to be obsessed with a very minor cog in the ISIS machine, think of other things that anger you, like pigeons shitting on your car. Then imagine they’re ISIS pigeons.

Do you feel any sympathy?

If you’re thinking ‘teenagers do some stupid things, I know I did’, stop immediately. You should be on the Mail website posting gibberish like “No SECUND CHANCE!!! Hang the Islamatic tractors IN HELL!!!’.

What are you doing this weekend?

Christ, how can you even be thinking about your social life when the ISIS bride is on the loose in wherever? However if you’re planning to share angry, trite opinions like “if you’ve made your bed, bloody lie in it” that’s OK.

Is a vein in your neck throbbing and you’re having palpitations?

You are reaching the right level of anger. Watch ‘ISIS bride’ news reports for the rest of the day, even if your boss is unsure whether to tell you to do some fucking work or call 999.

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