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Girlfriend accidentally added to Bazzy Lads On Tour group chat

A STUNNED Basildon community is reeling at the revelation that a girlfriend was accidentally included in the top-level Bazzy Lads On Tour group chat. 

Jo Kramer, aged 26, was somehow invited to the confidential group, observed conversations which should have remained top secret, and has released the screenshots to a shocked greater Essex area.

She said: “I’ve cross-referenced the chat with real world activities to make sure this wasn’t a hoax. Two hours after the group’s rendezvous to get bombed at the Sugar Hut, we have eyewitness accounts of them there and wrecked.

“What we’ve discovered is jaw-dropping. Jord thinks Hayley is a pathetic freeloading bitch, Mick really overuses the fire emoji – seriously, he used it for a Monday night in with a Morrisons king prawn bhuna – and Steve has quite the coke habit.

“More damagingly, Marcus got an STI after going with a pro in Budapest but, undeterred, is planning to organise a lads’ trip back there and ‘get back on that Hungary pussy’. Nobody spoke up to stop him.

“Analysts believe that, genuine as this is, it isn’t the only group chat. The comparative lack of racist and misogynist memes is a dead giveaway. Marcus is a copper, for God’s sake.”

Jordan Gardner, Bazzy Lads On Tour admin, said: “What Jo saw was top level lads doing banter and doing it well.”

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Is he an anxious avoidant with unresolved trauma or are you maybe just a bit annoying?

WHY isn’t he texting back? Unresolved childhood trauma? Unconventional attachment style? Or are you annoying? Let’s break it down like his parents’ marriage: 

Communication

His parents’ divorce has given him an anxious-avoidant attachment style, you realise, even though he said it was ‘fine’ and ‘meant I got two Christmases’. The absence of love in childhood means he struggles with words of reassurance. That’s why he told you he preferred bigger tits, to push you away because he’s afraid of getting hurt again.

Sex

He showers you with affection before sex but withholds it immediately after lovemaking. A classic response from someone with a fearful-avoidant attachment style, craving intimacy while fearing vulnerability. You tell him you understand his pain while he calls an Uber from the bed, and repeat it in subsequent texts he feels too exposed to reply to.

Commitment

Without a healthy relationship model to follow, he cannot understand monogamy. Low self-esteem from his mother nagging him to tidy his bedroom also causes him to self-sabotage for fear of not measuring up. Which explains why he forgot your birthday drinks and was unable to get you a present. Really you were wrong to ask.

Fidelity

Those other girls he’s meeting? A reflection of his fear of abandonment after his dad left and moved three streets away. He can’t understand that you won’t do the same so needs back-ups for security, as a child clings to a blanket. And never communicating honestly as a child meant he didn’t have the skillset to tell you about his polyamorous tendencies.

Disordered

A classic sign of a chaotic inner life caused by inconsistent caregiving in infancy is a constant see-sawing between showing his true feelings and running away. This is why he texts ‘U up?’ at 2am on a Friday, comes round for sex and then isn’t in contact for four months. Saying you have an overbite like a Grand National winner is just an attempt to push you away. It won’t work.

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