Columnists

By Karen FenesseyI don’t know if it’s like this all over the country, but summer seems to be a total disappointment this year. I, for one, believe that this is all down to emissions from greenhouse gases and I make a point of ramming this home to my class of planet-killing P2s, who spend more time leaking out radioactive rays on their silly X-boxes than lowering the damage left all over the world by their grubby carbon fingerprints.

By George Monbiot THEIR screaming sirens, their back-to-front writing and their dirty deisel engines have become a fixture in our modern lives, but does anyone ever stop to think if we actually need them?

Fuck that for a game of soldiers, was what I initially said when first asked to write a 'Guest Blog'. These things are for speccy twats who spend too much time with their hands wrapped around their tiny cocks as they gaze at internet porn. And then I was told that there'd be a decent-size fee and a chance to talk about some of my exciting new projects, so here you fucking well go.

WHEN I give interviews these days, the first question I’m asked is: Are you and Noel on speaking terms? This is one of the reasons I don’t do interviews - I’m totally sick of questions about the whole 'Blur v Oasis' thing. We've all moved on. I have. But that arrogant, swaggering, sneering Northern shit clearly hasn't - as I saw for myself on a recent BBC music documentary.

FEBRUARY 3, 2001: Election strategy meeting at Millbank with Gordon. He's such a fucking nutter He has some great ideas. Best of luck to him.

MAY 4, 1997: Moved into my Number 10 office today. Needs some decor. Will bring portrtait of Bob Maxwell from home. TB wants to 'hit the ground running'. Told him to shut the fuck up and do as he's told. Peter Mandelson has ordered a pommel horse for his office. God only knows.

By Karen FenesseyI HAD an argument last night with my boyfriend, Donny. He can be such a pig sometimes, but I do love him despite that. He took me on holiday to Venice recently and although I was very grateful I have to say - it's a bit of a dump. I honestly don't know why people rave about it so much.

I'M sitting, right, in The Chateaux Marmont Hotel (which is only the place where late comedy genius John Belushi snuffed it!) thinking, should I call room service and have another one of those lovely smoothie drinks, or shall I ring my good friend Ben Stiller for a chat about this really mental script he personally sent over to me, yesterday?

By Karen Fenessey I HAVE always been one of those annoying people who can do anything if they turn their mind to it. After a two week holiday in Corfu, I was pretty much fluent - chatting to locals about their daily lives and learning all about their unique habits. This is just one of the many skills I possess, and which make me the envy of pretty much everyone I meet. 

None of you people who lead ordinary, run-of-the-mill, dreary, worthless existences could possibly imagine what it’s like to live in the goldfish bowl - in fact, the thing I live in is more than that…it’s like an aquarium big enough to house those really, really big tortoises that can swim. That’s what it’s like to be me.