Columnists

I say, do you know, I went into the local sweet shop to buy myself a quarter of everlasting gobstoppers the other day, only to discover it had been taken over by a bunch of foreigners!

Great Moments in Sport no. 87: Ray Winstone Remembers The 2002 Badminton Horse TrialsThere ain't many things that wind me up in this world, besides geezers what stand in the middle of the street holding them giant Golf Sale signs, microwave ovens and Philip Schofield. But what really gives me the right, royal 'ump is 'orses: I 'ate 'em all, every last one of the dirty, 'orrible, long-faced bastards.

By Phillipe, Best in Show, Crufts 2008 IT could be my superb posture, my beautiful coat or perhaps even my exquisite bone structure. But whatever it is, one thing's for sure: I am The Balls.

Great moments in sport no. 87: Sean Penn sees Ely win It's a Knockout 1973 WAY back in '73 I was a wild, young buck and the world was only just coming to terms with the fact that it was going to be another 27 years before the fascist Bush dictatorship would come to power, and that it would ultimately take artists with a conscience such as myself to bring him and his so-called democracy to it's knees and rid the world of famine, war and disease. 

Great moments in sport No. 87: Joe Pesci remembers the 2002 Winter Olympics.THERE are a few things in life which get my back up: one is the way that fat mook Tony D picks pieces of food out of his fuckin' teeth at the dinner table; secondly, I got no fuckin' time for Mormons - comin' round my house and knockin' on my fuckin' door; and three, I ain't no fan of the Games of the Winter fuckin' Olympiad, if truth be told.

MY new prime-time show, Jeremy Kyle Tells You To Shut It, airs tonight, and the first episode is an absolute corker. A woman who'd lost her entire family in a multiple car wreck was sitting in the chair, moaning and groaning about her lot in life, which I know was pissing the audience off no end. So I hit her over the head with my rolled-up script.

I SEE red and white stripes. I see a sinister-looking man, frightening of aspect and large of girth but possessed of a grace unseen in mortal men, with the possible exception of Van Basten before his ankle imploded.Southampton to beat Bristol Rovers

Great moments in sport No. 87: Steven Seagal at the Boat RaceMy first experience of what you English call the 'Boat Race' was way back in 1978 when I was in England for the annual Neck Snapping Derby. The previous year I was beaten by Ling Eeeeeee-Lo, my ageing Kwand-eeeeek-oh Master from way back. Ling was old school, and was accompanying me on this trip. Boy, was I looking forward to cracking a few windpipes with the old guy.

By Mervyn King, Governor of the Bank of England SO there I am setting up the stall, right, early doors, when who should amble over all casual-like but my old pal, Mr Marks and Sparks himself, Sir Stuart knobbing Rose. The total cock-fucker. Still I was glad it was him. I thought at first it might have been the Excise. Tossing fuck-tits.

By Gordon BrownWHEN I was a small boy somewhere in Scotland, I remember meeting a poverty-stricken old man who coughed phlegm and bits all over me. Even though I was just a child, I vowed to do whatever I could to cure that man of his illness, and then destroy him.