Rebekah Brooks' Desert Island Discs

AS you may have noticed, Walking On The Moon by the police is currently playing. It is, of course, inconceivable that I knew this record would be one of my choices.

There are many of you who will say ‘surely you had some inkling as to the contents of the playlist and as such, you have sole responsibility for the output’. Yes, the entire concept of the show is based around the fact that the guest (in this case, I, Rebekah Brooks) is given carte blanche to choose whatever music they wish. However in this case, it appears that all of my favourite songs were chosen by someone who never even asked me about it and that all of this happened while I was out of the office, having my back shaved.

Okay let’s make one thing crystal clear. Just because Crazy Horses by the Osmonds is about to come on, don’t put two and two together and think it has anything to do with the fact that I chose it. That would be incredibly naïve and short-sighted on your part and demonstrate once and for all how little you understand the world of high-powered record choosing.

If I may draw a parallel: On my first day as editor of the News of the World my newsdesk said they had a story about a soldier’s widow that they had got from listening to her voicemail. Crucially – and despite what many people will assume – at no point did I ask how on earth they had managed to listen to her voicemail.

Years later, when I remembered how disgusted I probably was, I found the pluck, determination and strength of character to persuade one of my underlings that it was in fact their decision and that they should begin looking for another job immediately. After all, the buck has to stop somewhere.

A senior colleague has kindly taken time out from his extremely busy schedule to inform me that my final choice is my favourite record of all time.

So please feast your ears on this amazing new version of Waltzing Matilda by China’s top boy band, Pyang Tai-Zone (free CD with every copy of the News of the World this Sunday).

Instead of taking a book I would instead serialise the brilliant new Jeremy Clarkson paperback about why no-one in Chipping Norton buys the Guardian.

And of course my luxury item would be the special device I was given for Christmas which allows me to accidentally access other people’s emails while I am holidaying on a desert island.

Thing is, you might get hit by a bus tomorrow, say doctors

YOU never know what’s going to happen so you might as well eat a load of crisps, doctors said last night.

As new research throws doubt on the link between heart attacks and flavour, an increasing number of medical professionals have realised that the world is also full of buses and falling masonry.

Stephen Malley, a GP from Hitchin, said: “I had this one patient, didn’t eat red meat, exercised every day, drank litres of filtered water, got hit by lightning while doing squat thrusts. Flash, boom, human jerky. Makes you think, right?

“He probably had a miserable existence, devoid of delicious crisps, and for no benefit whatsoever. I mean, has anyone ever had a brilliantly uproarious night in the gym?”

He added: “Plus, in case you hadn’t noticed, doctors smoke and drink shitloads. That’s why we mostly look awful, with quadruple ‘melty face’ type eye bags. But I’ll tell you what, we’re having the time of our lives.

“So have cream and fags and whatever nice things you like. In my professional opinion you should fill your boots because one day those boots may contain a deadly scorpion.”

Consultant Emma Bradford said: “Some lovely foods may be a bit bad for you, but only in a really ambiguous way.

“If you listed everything in order of lethalness, salt and butter would be some way below shrapnel bombs and totally mental snakes.

“Incidentally, I know this woman who only eats orange cheese and she’s fine.”