By Vladimir Putin

WEAK, flabby western men with no love of country and no respect from women – I will take greatest pleasure in crushing you.

I have watched you many years. I have studied ways of British men, American men, even so-called French ‘men’ and you are little perfumed ladies compared to me and my Russian tough boys.

You like to talk about everything. You make enemy, you want to talk to him. You want to hold his hand and kiss him like he your mother. You want to bake cake for him and put sugar in teacup, like you his wife. This not way to win respect. This not way to make men pee in panties at mention of name.

I make enemy, enemy go away. I phone friend, say ‘hello’, make small chat. Two days later – two days! – I get email from friend say enemy gone away. I can be Vladimir, I can be president, I can be on top of Russia and no one tell me to shut my chops.

But I am not monster. No! I hold vote. I win vote. Many, many Russian tough boys vote Vladimir. I look at western men who lose vote. Are you men? Men not lose vote. Men win vote.

I am Vladimir, I have gas. I have many, many gas. You want my gas? Sure, you want my gas. You love my gas. If I say you act like perfumed lady and can have my gas, you will act like perfumed lady. You love my gas. But how much you want my gas? Put dress on. Do it now.

I go Europe. I meet your Mr and Mrs Prime Ministers with big cars and no gas. I say: “How many push-ups? How many sit-ups?” Nothing, that how many. I arm wrestle you, but would make you look like hungry clown in front of women.

Go back your country and play with dolls. I am Vladimir. I crush you.