Society

ANYONE without a valid passport is to be confined in a vast internment camp the size and shape of the United Kingdom.

PEOPLE who don't like everything must have something wrong with them, it has been confirmed.

SOCIAL contact with neighbours must be avoided at all costs, experts have warned.

BRITONS taking Spanish lessons are just doing it to meet someone nice, it has been confirmed.

PAYING to get on a budget flight slightly before others is the weakest possible attempt to show off, it has been confirmed.

MIDDLE class families have gathered around a tabloid newspaper that was put through their letter box without permission.

BRITAIN is studiously ignoring the term ‘spornosexual’ in the hope that it won’t become a real thing.

CHILDREN are celebrating Father’s Day with gifts that admit their dads are deeply flawed people who are trying their best.

DAVID Cameron has tasked investigators to look into increased sightings of unemployed people.

ALL words relating to curves have been reclassified to exclusively refer to women's breasts.