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UK biting its tongue about tasteless coffins

EVERYONE is trying really hard not to say anything horrible about tasteless coffins, it has emerged.

The trend for garish coffins has left the entire nation appalled but unable to say anything due to their contents of dead people.

Office manager Donna Sheridan said: “I was watching the news when I saw a bright orange coffin with Pokemon all over it, and I wanted to shout out ‘Just look at that monstrosity!’

“Then I remembered there was a dead man inside and realised my thoughts had turned me into a very horrible person. That’s definitely what I was thinking though.

“Even so, I can’t help but think it undermines the sense of respect for the dead when they’re being lowered into the ground with Homer Simpson’s face staring up at the mourners.”

Undertaker Denys Finch Hatton said: “We have noticed an increase in demand for coffins that can only be described as fucking ridiculous.

“Tweetie Pie, Brian May, the cast of Twilight – people are increasingly keen on coffin designs that look like mobile phone covers.

“Someone even asked for Chris Moyles’s face, I had to reply they’d be better off leaving the body in the street to be eaten by stray dogs.”

Data inputter Tom Logan said: “The other day I went to a funeral and I wanted to say ‘For God’s sake, you can’t bury someone in a Batman coffin!’

“Mum was a massive Christian Bale fan though.”

Michael Douglas's riskiest sex acts

If there’s one lesson I’ve learned from my many years at the wheel, it’s that sex acts are a great way to meet people, but can also be really bad for your health.

Some activities you might consider safe are actually fraught with danger.

House-holing

Something we’ve all tried at least once, right? It’s late, you’re watching X Files, your attention wanders and before you know it, you and your lady friend are tearing around the house like crazy beasts, trying to find partition walls to pleasure one another through. It sounds so simple, but if you can’t get the right fit for your hole, you’re at risk of splinters. You must create the perfect orifice – using hazardous power tools. A Black and Decker 2-gear Hammer Drill does nicely, but its girth can distract you from the task at hand and quickly write itself into your love story. Sure, allow for goofing around with toys, but don’t get carried away like I did on Valentines’ 08. I needed eighteen stitches and all my veneers replaced. Now you’ve created an appropriate hole, go forth and perforate your entire house as your whims dictate. For those of you in rented accommodation, please consult your landlord.

The Reverse Kirk Douglas

The easiest of all sex acts works just as well in a sweaty tryst with a stranger in the IKEA toilets as it does to spice things up in longer term arrangements – but it still carries risk of injury. First, you’re gonna need several everyday bath sponges, preferably peach coloured. Then, you strap them to your partner’s face and head using elastic bands. As soon as you commence coitus, you start loudly demanding that your partner tells you who Spartacus is. If they answer incorrectly, you headbutt them as hard as you can. Repeat until climax. As well as creating a suitable likeness, the sponges serve the secondary purpose of protecting your partner’s face from significant cosmetic damage. But she’s still at risk of dehydration / suffocation – and you might get a little hoarse.

Cunnilingus

The most dangerous sex manoeuvre of all. My advanced gurning technique has caused several partners to experience such heights of pleasure that they literally disappear into another dimension. Not only that, the intensity of passion can create an airtight seal between groin and mouth, and soon you’re waving her around like a shark with a walrus pup, smashing into furniture and sharp bedroom objects as you desperately try to disengage lady from face.

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