THE government has pledged to introduce free lunches for primary school children with traditional, right-wing values.
Ministers believe a nutritious lunch is vital but can only be offered to under 12s who are passionate about small government, privatisation and benefit cuts.
A spokesman said: “We’d love to feed all the children but there isn’t enough money, so left-wing pupils will have to bring a packed lunch, no doubt consisting of an inefficient sandwich and a Marxist banana.”
Kyle Stephenson, a 10 year-old from Hatfield, said: “I hate being told what to do so I’d like my mum to be a lot smaller, ideally under three foot six. I believe strongly in free markets so if I see a child with a nice toy I take it and it becomes mine.
“And I would also bring back hanging, especially for Arsenal fans and Harry Styles. Actually, the guillotine would be better for Styles because then I could stick his head on a spike.”
