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Grandfather's dearest wish is to pass down his ignorance to his grandchildren

A GRANDAD hopes that with his help and guidance, his grandkids can end up as stupid and ill-informed as he is.

Roy Hobbs, 74, hopes that the ignorant ideas he inherited from his own parents about homosexuals, the monarchy, foreigners, women and in fact most topics will be passed on to his descendants.

Hobbs said: “I worry about the influence of the internet and the way kids can look up facts instead of relying on what your racist auntie Maureen told you.

“In my day, we went outdoors and climbed trees, then got all our information about the world from Bernard Manning, Love Thy Neighbour, the Daily Mail and whatever our own parents reckoned from watching two minutes of news a day.

“We never had balanced views handed to us on a plate. We had to make our own opinions, which we pulled out of our arses and we were all the better for it.

“I hope I can instil in my grandchildren my own values – don’t go reading books, make sure you never leave your home town, and, above all, never trust a Chinaman.”

Hobbs is currently telling his 17-year-old granddaughter Emily to vote according to your gut instinct or for someone who seems like a laugh, such as Boris Johnson.

Five items you already regret buying on Amazon Prime Day

BRITONS have eagerly been buying unnecessary tat in the Amazon Prime sale. But which useless purchases are you going to regret most when you can’t afford food in a week’s time? 

Cordless hoover – £280

Reduced by £50, this cordless vacuum cleaner seemed like an absolute bargain, even if your current hoover works perfectly well. This cordless alternative has a battery life of about three minutes and the suction power of a fly, but who cares at the low price of a return flight to New York? 

75” OLED TV – £1,399.99

This 75” super HD TV provides you with an ultra-crisp unparalleled viewing experience – or at least it would if it fitted in your studio flat. An unwise purchase as you now look a bit common AND spendthrift, and you’re not a film buff or football fan so you’ll just be using it to watch Bake Off and Huw Edwards.

Electric toothbrush – £79.99

Paying two pounds for a toothbrush in the supermarket just isn’t extravagant enough. Down from £299, this magic wand brush promises you a Simon Cowell smile which lights the way on darkened country lanes. The only snag is that you’ll have to apply for a loan every time you want to buy replacement brush heads. 

Lululemon sportswear – £162

Now you’ve tried them on, the ultra-tight exercise pants look slightly obscene. And they only had the Lululemon sports bra in extra small, so you look less like Jessica Ennis-Hill and more like a pork joint tied up in string. People will salivate over you at the gym, but only because they’re thinking of Sunday lunch.

100 Nespresso capsules – £20

This bulk purchase of Nespresso capsules was a steal at 20 quid so it’s unfortunate you don’t have a Nespresso machine to put them in. Pierce the lids with a knife and scoop the coffee directly into your mouth until your bank account has recovered sufficiently to buy one – probably next year’s Amazon Prime Day.

 

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