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Brexiters flock to see ‘Weeping Di’ memorial plate

BREXIT voters are flocking to see a Princess Diana plate that weeps real tears, it has emerged.

Thousands have converged on a semi-detached house in Lewisham, to see the miracle that proves Britain must protect its sovereignty.

Plate owner Mary Fisher said: “I first noticed it when my coronation tea towel seemed wetter than usual.

“I looked up at the wall-mounted plate and sure enough a perfect tear was rolling down Diana’s delicately-rendered china cheek.

“The only way we can stop her crying is to get out of the EU as soon as possible.”

She added: “Some visitors say she speaks to them, gently whispering that they are not to buy foreign products like Brie and Toblerones.”

Brexit supporter Roy Hobbs said: “I had to come, if only to stand guard over this high quality limited edition souvenir so that no immigrants can pinch it.”

Woman treats weather app like some kind of tribal god that cannot be questioned

A WOMAN reads out the predictions of her weather app like a shaman receiving messages from an ancient god, it has emerged.

29-year-old Emma Bradford has a fanatical level of belief in the free smartphone software, despite it only achieving the same level of accuracy as total guesswork.

She said: “The weather app has spoken, the heatwave is to end and the rains will come tomorrow.

“Oh no wait, it has changed. The rains will not come after all.

“Such is the way of the app. We must keep checking it every 15 minutes, this is how it tests the faithful.”

Bradford confirmed that despite not knowing whether the app has any meteorological credibility, she trusts it more than all of her combined senses.

“If the app says it is currently raining, it is raining, even if it is not raining.

“Who are my eyes to question the mighty weather app? I would rather pluck them out.”

She added: “My friends call me ‘Kaltiki, voice of the skies’ or ’she who speaks bollocks’.”

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