subscribe
/ Sign Out

44-year-old thinks he deserves birthday party

A MAN is so full of himself he believes he deserves a party to celebrate his 45th birthday.

Stephen Malley, from Croydon, has messaged his colleagues, friends and family to ‘check everyone’s free’ on July 23rd, seemingly forgetting he had a 40th birthday party in 2019 and therefore had used up his quota.

Friend Eleanor Shaw said: “I mean, what the fuck? Talk about hubris.

“What kind of egotistical monster thinks 44 is something to celebrate? Worse yet, to force other people to join in?

“Does he not remember his 40th? I was ill, Cassie cried, Chris got food poisoning and Kieran had to leave early because his mother had had a fall. I’ve barely recovered, and now the conceited prick has the nerve to do it again.

“He’s not the god-emperor of Rome. He’s just a man, and he will be brought low and reminded of his place when I say I can’t do that weekend because I’m going camping.”

Malley said: “I’m sure it doesn’t really matter that it doesn’t have a zero at the end. We’ll all have fun!”

Public relations executive keeps insisting she's working class

A PUBLIC relations executive keeps telling people she is somehow ‘working class’, it has emerged.

Sarah Jameson, 32, insisted she is ‘keeping it real’ while simultaneously talking loudly on the train about digital conversion rates or driving a BMW 4 series.

She said: “I’m careful to skip over the difficult bits of being working class, like having no money or doing manual labour.

“It means I can demonstrate my down-to-earth nature by joining in ‘Oh Jeremy Corbyn’ chants and occasionally ordering a pint of ‘Stella tops’ instead of a bottle of Cloudy Bay.

She added: “’Stella tops’ is lager with a splash of lemonade in it. It’s okay, only working class people would know that.”

Jameson’s friend, Nikki Hollis said: “The other day she told me how important it is never to forget where you came from. Which in her case is Chippenham.

“And she always goes on about how her dad comes from a mining area. That’s because he was a solicitor from Truro.”

Next story ›