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Woman into World War 2 every man's fantasy

THE greatest sexual fantasy of every heterosexual male in the UK is a woman with an interest in military history 1939-45, a study has proved.

Research revealed there is no bigger turn-on for British men than meeting a woman who can hold an informed conversation about the Battle of Britain.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Men claimed to be aroused by large breasts, lingerie or shapely arses. But when we showed them a woman discussing WW2, that turned out be a lie.

“After mere seconds of watching a video of a woman talking about D-Day most of them were struggling to hide their erections. One spontaneously ejaculated when she started giving accurate figures for SS casualties in the Normandy campaign.

“Another subsequently confessed that his ultimate fantasy was a threesome with two women who really knew their stuff about the development of the T-34.”

Study participant James Bates said: “If my wife could talk to me about the underlying causes of the failure of Operation Market Garden, I’m sure my erectile problems would be a thing of the past.”

Fellow test subject Tom Logan said: “My girlfriend likes to tease me by asking if I want to see her beevor. By which of course she means Antony Beevor’s definitive account of the Battle of Stalingrad.”

Wild, Wild West, and other films with f**king horrible theme songs

SOME films have soundtracks that add to their brilliance, while some are made worse by having shit theme songs. Like these:

Wild, Wild West – Will Smith

Watching this strangely terrifying steampunk comedy western is painful enough, but during the end credits Smith performs a rap that summarises the nonsense you just sat through. The only good part is the sample of Stevie Wonder’s I Wish, but just listen to that instead of having nightmares about Kenneth Branagh chopped in half in a steam-powered wheelchair.

Die Another Day – Madonna

From Lulu’s The Man With The Golden Gun (‘He’s got a powerful weapon/ He charges a million a shot’) to Jack White and Alicia Keys’ Another Way To Die from A Quantum of Solace, there have been some truly terrible James Bond songs. However Madonna’s Die Another Day tops them all. It’s basically a half-arsed, phoned-in version of her hit Music, which perhaps makes it entirely appropriate for the similarly crap film it was soundtracking.

Addams Family Groove – MC Hammer

The Addams Family is a cracking film, and could have used the excellent theme song from the original 60s TV show exactly as it is. Unfortunately they decided to update it by getting old parachute pants himself, MC Hammer, to perform an annoying and repetitive rap that makes you feel like your brain is being gradually chipped away at with a blunt chisel. 

Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me – U2

Batman Forever was a middling instalment in the endless Batman franchise and U2 only added to the overall feeling of averageness with this generic rock track. The best bit about it was the video, which featured cartoon versions of the band and meant nobody had to look at Bono’s gurning real-life face. Still, the whole thing looks like Goodfellas in comparison to Batman & Robin, which introduced a grateful world to Bat-nipples.

Spies Like Us – Paul McCartney

How is possible that the same man who wrote Blackbird also produced this boring, plodding excuse for a song? It’s even worse than the reggae break he shoehorned into Live And Let Die, and that’s saying something. The film only has a 32 per cent rating on Rotten Tomatoes which, given it’s a John Landis film starring Chevy Chase and Dan Ackroyd, must mean McCartney is to blame. Or cocaine. One or the other.

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