WHETHER it’s for a new lover, a competitive friend or an intrusive voice in the pub, we all need to fake thrilling sexual histories. Claim you’ve had sex in these locations for clout:
On a plane
A member of the Mile High Club? Unlikely. The business class loo probably has room for a blowjob, but full penetration on a packed Ryanair flight to Majorca is a physical impossibility. There’s barely room in that Ikea single wardrobe for one, let alone for moving your arse back and forth with the necessary vigour.
At the beach
Had a relaxed holiday shag on the beach or in the sea, did you? Bollocks. It’s far too busy in the day and you’re greased up like a basted pig. At night maybe, but sand is famously not conducive to friction and salt water’s not much better. You drank a Sex On The Beach and that’s as far as it went.
On a fairground ride
One for teenagers; adults may well have done it on a fairground ride but invariably with the tattooed heavyweight running the ride. If you’re 16, though, you can say you did it in the Tunnel of Love or even on the big wheel without anyone treating your story as any more dubious than their own outlandish claims.
In a graveyard
Goth or not, you’ve not had sex in a graveyard. To be authentic, daytime sex wouldn’t count, the deed would have to have taken place in the early hours with a chilly low mist, an owl hooting and a Victorian child ghost waiting for the right moment to leap out. These factors have a way of inhibiting sexual performance.
On your desk at work
Sweeping the contents of your desk to the floor and passionately putting the boots to a colleague is an everyday office occurrence, on screen. In your actual job? Nah. It’s a claim made only during Friday drinks by the office wanker who did it in a previous job he’s vague on the details of. But he quit by pouring milk over the boss’s head at a board meeting, he says.
In a lift
According to the soft rock warblings of Aerosmith, love in an elevator is common in the US. In Britain you’d need to take into account rain-soaked shoes, a pervasive odour of urine, CCTV and not pushing the buttons with an errant thrust. It didn’t happen. You mindlessly watched the illuminated numbers like everyone else.
On the set of Tipping Point
Completely believable. Nobody will have any doubts. Your reputation will be hugely enhanced and pubs will spontaneously clap when you enter.
