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'How did you get that scar?': A guide for bullshitters

TRYING to impress a woman? Has she noticed a minor scar on your otherwise, you believe, unblemished body? These lies should get her into bed: 

The one across the eyebrow

First explain you’re not making a statement with an eyebrow tramline because you’re not 14. Then improvise a story about receiving it on a sharp overhanging ridge while soloing the Matterhorn, with details lifted from the film Cliffhanger. Make sure no mates are around to reveal you cracked your head on the hand-dryer in the gents when pissed.

The small circle on the knee

A telltale sign of keyhole knee surgery, but if that isn’t obvious to the woman you’re hitting on in the gym then you were impaled by a swordfish while diving on the Great Barrier Reef, or speared by an angry bull when running in Pamplona. Work the cross-trainer hard to dispel any suggestion the joint was repaired following decades of TV-binging inactivity.

The one down the shin

You’d be in the Barca squad now if not for this injury. It was the worst Louis van Gaal had ever seen and ended an incredible career early. It definitely wasn’t because you were climbing railings to get into school when you were late. You definitely didn’t cry and get bollocked by your mum for ruining your new Farah pants. Definitely not that.

The one hidden by hair

Having a scarred bald patch on the back of your head cannot go unnoticed by the hairdresser you fancy. A graze from falling off your BMX when attempting a trick you’d seen on a mate’s Mat Hoffman VHS won’t blow her away. Claiming it was molten lava from an erupting Indonesian volcano you were abseiling into? She’ll believe that.

The one on the lip

Suggests physical violence, which women love. Easily spun into a rescue tale, whether a pensioner saved from a gang of muggers or a woman defended from an ex-partner who was a former Royal Marine. Choose based on your intuition about your date’s tolerance for bullshit and whether she will guess you had a big sister careless with a rounders bat.

The one across the belly

If she gets competitive and shows off her appendix scar, don’t be outdone. Claim yours is from donating a kidney to an African orphan. You were the only match worldwide, because of your rare and virtuous blood group, fought through mercenaries and an earthquake to get to the hospital, and that boy? Grew up to be Sadio Mané. Here’s my number, call me.

Man blames erectile dysfunction on 20mph speed limit

A MAN has told his wife he can no longer sustain an erection because of a prolonged period of driving below 20mph. 

Joe Turner was travelling through the Cambridge area late at night when he frequently, despite clear roads, had to slow to the mortifying and emasculating speed which has left him unable to perform sexually.

He explained: “It’s no use, love. Nothing you can do’s going to get any life into it. I just can’t get that horrifying midnight crawl out of my mind.

“I must have driven that route hundreds of times, but never this late. The roads were empty. Deserted. And here’s me inching along at 20 miles an hour in the moonlight, terrified of edging over the limit in case I have to do a speed awareness course.

“My foot was twitching, desperate to get us going properly, not that 30’s an acceptable speed at that time of night. It should be at least 40. If kids aren’t in bed they can take their chances.

“But instead I was barely moving, using a fraction of the Audi’s 148 horsepower, wishing the earth would swallow me. How can I ever be hard again after that? I’ll probably end up only sexually aroused by humiliation, like a Tory MP.”

Wife Jane said: “Meanwhile the 20-year-old next door’s electric bike is giving him stiffies of adamantine hardness that last for hours. How strange men are.”

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