TRUMP’S 1987 book The Art of the Deal portrays him as a skilled and savvy negotiator. Today’s meeting with Putin will demonstrate the updates he’s made since:
‘Crush on your opponent’
Be visibly besotted in a way that is deeply strange for an ageing heterosexual man. Gazing into his eyes, clingy handshakes and laughing obsequiously are all good. Don’t worry about blushing. No-one will notice under the thick layer of fake tan you’ve been wearing for the last 40 years.
‘Set your initial offer low’
The customary business advice is to set your initial offer high, giving yourself room to come down. In a break with that, perhaps to see what happens, you should concede everything before negotiations even begin and leave yourself with nothing to give away except, coquettishly, your clothing.
‘Show your hand immediately’
Hard-drinking defence secretary Pete Hegseth kicked off the peace process by saying Ukraine wouldn’t be getting lost territory back or allowed to join NATO. It’s a bold move, like showing other poker players your pitiful, worthless hand. They’ll wonder if it’s a bluff, giving you a powerful psychological advantage in the period before they pocket your cash.
‘Clearly want your opponent to win’
Humiliating the leader of Ukraine pre-talks was a power move. It let everyone know where they stand, especially friends and allies by which it’s now clear you mean Russia. Ignore protests. They’re just jealous that Vlad might let you use his pen to sign over four-fifths of Ukraine.
‘Lunch is for alpha males’
Gordon Gecko said lunch is for wimps, but you likes hamburgers. Eat two, lavishly coated with rich-man’s condiment ketchup, feel full and sleepy and doze off for two hours of the summit. This is a power move that allows your opponent to prepare a document to sign without your involvement.
‘Never Be Closing’
ABC, or Always Be Closing, is the sales tactic of keeping up pressure on your opponent until they’ve signed on the dotted line. You have, in your genius, reversed this and are eager to end before you even begin no matter what the cost to the nation you’re supposedly representing. Which you may yet agree to bomb.
‘Use submissive body language’
Standing hands-on-hips or putting one foot up on a chair are cliches of projecting confidence and power. So you won’t be doing that with your idol. Anyway, none-more-macho Putin’s first move in any meeting is to whip out his ruler for a literal dick-measuring competition.
