Health

DOCTORS have recommended dropping ecstacy this evening to leave yourself plenty of time for a leisurely recovery.

THE news that cycling cuts the risk of cancer by half has given cyclists another reason to be insufferably smug, it has emerged.

A 27-YEAR-OLD man is either in profound despair over the chaos, injustice and insanity of the world today, or just hungry.

A WOMAN who recently took up meditation cannot tell if she has reached a higher spiritual plane or is just incredibly bored.

AN OFFICE worker has announced that she would rather not consider the amount of coffee she drinks in pints because it would sound rather grim.

SUPERMARKET customers cannot grasp hygiene concepts such as not manhandling bread then putting it back on the shelf, it has emerged.

A MAN who thinks he is unwell has gone to the doctor instead of typing his symptoms into Google.

CHILDREN can once again crack their heads open on concrete while swinging on rusted metal bars when the UK scraps EU protection laws.

THE monster formerly known as 'Honey Monster' has changed his name after beating his sugar addiction.

A GROWN man has announced that he will be having nothing more than a plate of chips for his dinner tonight.