Health

HEALTH campaigners have stressed that a 'freakshake' is not Jacob Rees-Mogg juddering uncontrollably as hundreds of volts surge through his body.

'FREAKSHAKES' should be banned because of their sugar content and because they are ridiculous and undrinkable, experts have confirmed.

THE government has urged the public to learn the basics of DIY surgery ahead of the annual NHS winter crisis.

A DOCTOR'S receptionist takes every single patient who successfully manages to see a doctor as a painful personal defeat, she has admitted.

MAKING sweeping judgements about other people’s lives based entirely on their shopping is the key to personal happiness, it has been confirmed.

OWNING a Facebook account does not mean you can give all your friends dodgy medical advice, doctors have warned.

BRITISH tobacco warnings will be replaced by Australian ‘You probably won’t get cancer, mate, but go easy in case’ warnings in the event of a no-deal Brexit.

A WOMAN has congratulated herself on hitting her daily goal of 10,000 steps by going on a special excursion to the chip shop.

A WOMAN who went to see her GP because she had a bit of sniffle was outraged that the waiting room was full of people.

A YOGA teacher has finally mastered the challenging move of pretending to have a fully-functioning life outside yoga classes.