JANUARY is infested with insufferable f**knuts trying to improve their lives. These are the worst:
Dry January twat
Nothing’s more depressing than a whole year of unrelenting toil ahead, so why try to slog through January sober? And seeing as Dry January twats overdo it during Christmas as a last hurrah, there’s alcohol in their system until mid-February anyway. Expect them to fall off the wagon the first time a friend says ‘pint?’
Veganuary twat
Brace yourself for a month of veganuary twats meticulously checking the ingredients for gelatine and carmine, before deciding to live off Greggs’ vegan options because it’s easier. Come February 1st, these twats will be face-down in a bucket of chicken to dislodge the pastry clogging their arteries.
Gym twat
Exercise dickheads are annoying year-round, but January starters are the worst. They update social media after every rep, bombard you with post-workout selfies, and worst of all they make you feel inadequate by actually getting in shape. For two months.
Stop-smoking twat
You should feel happy for your mate kicking their smoking habit. Their health will improve, they’ll save money, and they won’t stink of nicotine anymore. Your goodwill will immediately evaporate when you realise they’ve taken up vaping and are billowing candyfloss-scented clouds into your face in your own f**king house.
Volunteering twat
In theory, volunteering is noble and wonderful. In reality it’s the hobby of the privileged, because after a day of soul-destroying work you’re losing an evening watching telly for no financial gain. Volunteers are saints who have more time and money than they know what to do with. The twats.
