THE public will secure GP appointments by fighting in simple, convenient gladiatorial contests under new government plans.
An automated telephone system will invite the lucky first 200 callers to their local arena with a heavy wooden shield, metal chain armour and a lion-skin pelt.
A health spokesman said: “The 8am scramble for appointments is unsustainable. We’ve listened to patients’ concerns and come up with a better way.
“So, from now on you’ll be pitted against each other in combat. Will you be armed with a net and a trident? A sword? A spear? Will a hungry bear be released? You won’t know, which makes it completely fair.
“In the contests as many as five waiting patients are reduced to one, cutting waiting times by up to 80 per cent, and the final decision will still be made by a cruel, indifferent receptionist giving a thumbs-up or thumbs-down from behind glass while not making eye contact or speaking.
“The contests will be shown in the waiting rooms with sponsorship from pharmaceutical companies. The victor will receive a half-arsed telephone call from a medical trust anytime between 2pm and never.”
Patient Joanna Kramer said: “I slaughtered three men and stood, tiger-striped with their blood, awarded the ultimate prize of an audience with a GP. He said it’s probably viral and he can’t prescribe anything.”
