Environment

THE government has recommended wildly exaggerated militaristic terms for putting on warm clothes.

BRITAIN’S cigarette addicts have confirmed that no amount of bad weather will stop them inhaling carcinogens.

THE Arctic Circle is bracing itself for weather conditions usually reserved for Lancashire.

THE ‘fog’ currently enveloping Bristol has a strong aroma of cannabis, it has been claimed.

KILLER seals are attempting to engage police in pseudo-intellectual cat-and-mouse games.

EXPERTS have dismissed recent sightings of the Loch Ness Monster as nothing more than floating wood wearing a tartan bonnet.

A SEAL has confirmed that he would be open to dating other types of animal if the chemistry was right.

TREES have reverted to being malevolent skeletal shadows looming in your peripheral vision.

POPPIES have rejected any association with the paranoid, hate-fuelled agenda of The Daily Mail.

ENVIRONMENTAL campaigners are claiming to get a massive buzz off harmful pesticides in order to get them banned.