MATT Le Tissier has claimed Gary Lineker is ‘not the angel he likes to portray himself to be’. So what is he alluding to? Here the conspiracy-minded former Southampton midfielder elaborates.
He leaves the toilet seat up
For someone with such a high opinion of himself, it sickens me that Gary probably sometimes forgets to put the toilet seat down, leaving innocent women and men who need a shit with the nightmarish task of lowering it themselves. Not so perfect now, are you, Saint Gary of Wonderful?
He has sex with crisps
When a reliable source like Joey Barton calls Lineker a ‘crisp nonce’, the world needs to listen. Does Gary have sex with crisps? I’ve no idea how that would work but I feel Lineker’s obvious excitement in the Walkers crisps ads speaks volumes. And Joey’s history of strange, object-related paedo accusations, such as calling Jeremy Vine a ‘big bike nonce’, in no way reduces his credibility as a witness.
Lineker’s World Cup hat trick was cheating
Sure, Gary can kick a ball around a bit, but I don’t reckon he was good enough to score three goals against Poland in 1986 to put us through to the last 16. Clearly some form of cheating was taking place. And as someone who is partial to a bit of 9/11 truther nonsense, the answer is obvious: Gary replaced the ball with a hologram.
He may have had casual sex in the 1980s
I believe it is entirely possible that as a young player for Leicester City in the early 80s, Gary had sex outside wedlock, possibly with a young lady he met in a nightclub, with no intention of marrying her. Such behaviour is completely unacceptable in the world of professional football.
Gary orchestrated the Covid hoax
I’ve exposed the Covid hoax in numerous tweets, such as when I tastefully revealed that people supposedly ‘dying’ in hospitals were merely actors. But after reflecting on what a smug, overpaid bastard Gary is, I now believe he was responsible for lockdown. ‘Why?’ you might ask. Simple – making people stay at home to increase the viewing figures of Match of the Day. Follow the money, sheeple.
He is hiding even more extreme political views
We’re all sick of Gary ramming hard-left views like being vaguely sympathetic to migrants down our throats. But I believe he is concealing even more extreme opinions. Just you wait until Comrade Gary reveals his true Marxo-Leninist-Stalinist-Baader-Meinhof-Wokeist beliefs and starts sending people to the Taking the Knee reeducation camps. They won’t be calling me another strange old retired footballer with cliched reactionary views who should stay off Twitter then!
He probably still fancies Danielle Bux
Gary’s cosy ‘we’re just good friends’ routine with his ex-wife doesn’t fool me. I bet he’s had plenty of less than pure thoughts about attractive former underwear model Ms Bux. I certainly have. So get off your bloody high horse, Gary, you massive hypocrite!
