TRURO has been named as the UK’s ‘BDSM capital’, but which depraved kink is your town desperately looking up on the internet? Find out with this guide.
Dawlish
Traditional Devonshire seaside resort popular with tourists who are too cheap to take the train all the way to Cornwall. Locals are obsessed with messy food fetishism, or ‘sploshing’. There are still heated arguments about the correct order in which to put cream and jam on your tits.
Lyme Regis
It will come as no surprise to residents that urethral insertions are first thing everyone types into their search bars when they’re alone. You’ve got to break the monotony of pebbly beaches and fossil tours somehow, and getting a pencil stuck in your knob definitely does that.
Tewkesbury
Not water sports, as you may expect from a town located on the confluence of two rivers. No, Tewkesbury folk are actually hardcore cuckolding addicts, which may be linked to the House of Lancaster’s humiliating defeat there during the War of the Roses. Or not, nobody is really sure what that was all about.
Woolwich
Furry fetishism hangs over Woolwich like planes in a holding pattern waiting to land at Heathrow. Hardcore genital torture used to be popular back in its working-class days, but gentrification has meant that young middle-class professionals in disturbing fox suits have driven salt-of-the-earth cock and ball torturers out to Surrey.
Hove
Only something as relatively pedestrian and spiritual as tantric sex could top Hove’s kinky Google searches. And even then well-heeled Hove residents are only doing it because their hip Brighton neighbours were into it years ago and they’re finally feeling brave enough to see what the fuss is about.
Cockermouth
Sick of jibes about their town’s name, people from Cockermouth have gone the other way and got into foot worship. If you step out with so much as an ankle on display you’ll make residents come on the spot. This has become a major problem for local council clean-up teams, so for maximum safety wear fishing waders at all times.
Bolton
Bolton is renowned for its Northern community spirit, so searches for dogging are sky-high. Nothing brings people together like watching each other f**k at night on a hard shoulder while eating a meat and potato pie. That’s a bond for life.
Fareham
Fareham’s internet servers are struggling to cope with the number of edging searches they’re forced to carry out. If you live there, give them, and yourself, some much-needed rest by just busting when you’re ready. It’s been years.
Whitstable
Locals might claim Whitstable’s thousands of daily searches for ‘bukkake’ are idle curiosity after hearing the term mentioned on the telly. In fact they know exactly what it is and what it entails. Is their interest restricted to horny late night internet searches? The stains on Whitstable’s living room carpets say otherwise.
Stamford
The people of Stamford Googled figging, were repulsed, then had to do it again just to make sure they hadn’t misread. They were right the first time, but they keep coming back out of morbid curiosity – or so they say. It’s possible they doth protest too much, because sales of root ginger and Anusol have rocketed.
