HELLO, subjects. Because I’m normal like everyone, I’ve been closely watching docu-soap Succession for tips on deposing one’s father without anyone noticing. I picked up these:
Keep idiot younger brothers happy with important-sounding jobs like the Invictus Games. Ignore meaningless chatter about killing the Taliban.
Marrying a woman whose family works for a living can be unsettling. Be supportive when their parents’ business folds, owing the taxpayer £220,000. This is what taxes are for.
When your father is caught saying ‘This is as well-choreographed as dogs f**king on roller skates’ in the Coronation coach, it is your duty to ignore it.
Remember he’s on hand to help with covering up careless crimes. Much as Kendall Roy let a waiter drown and got away with it, I’m indebted to my father for clearing up a fracas that now didn’t happen. Why else would I smilingly open leisure centres in Milton Kenyes?
Always keep leverage over close family members. In my family, as with the Roys, one is spoilt for choice.
Secret meetings with dad about titles and allegiances are normal, and always negotiate over titles. Co-COO? Do I look like Prince f**king Edward to you?
Note to self for Uncle Andrew: if you’re ever giving a eulogy for someone dubious, it is fine to simply confirm the existence of the deceased, the names of his relatives and the fact they are now ‘sad’.
Never perform an 80th birthday rap wearing a Team Charles T-shirt. Order a compromised subject, eg Dizzee Rascal, to do it in your stead.
Check Papa always has the right pen, so he doesn’t get annoyed, and so there is never any doubt about whether one’s name is underlined or crossed out.
Spice up tedious Firm gatherings with colourful language. Kate and I practise incorporating fun slogans like ‘Buckle up, f**klehead!’ into everyday conversation.
If in doubt, get your father’s love by doing whatever he needs. If asked why, simply respond, ‘because Dad told me to.’ Nobody can question that.
