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Tesco Trumps Asda With Range Of Porn Cakes

SUPERMARKET rivalry has intensified after Tesco promised to put all your dirty pictures on a cake.

With Asda banning all forms of cake-based nudity, its rivals are filling the gap in the market with a range of pornographic frosting options.

Tesco, Britain's largest supermarket, has launched a series of special offers, which they claim will make it easier than ever for consumers to put graphic sexual images on a cake.

A Tesco spokesman said: "If it's your wife's birthday, why not surprise her with your balls on a lemon sponge?

"Or treat your best friend to a chocolate gateaux showing him being fellated in Amsterdam by that really lovely girl who turned out to be a man.

"We're also doing a walnut and coffee arse cake and a three breasts for the price of two, office party special."

Meanwhile Sainsbury's is offering to recreate scenes of tasteful nudity for £5, using free range eggs, while Morrison's is giving customers a free cake with every order, showing a nude Alan Hansen posing with a set of bagpipes.

Women Still Face Discrimination, Says Jumped-Up Cow

POSITIVE discrimination is the only way to help women achieve success in the workplace, some jumped-up cow said yesterday.

Harriet Harman, an over-promoted woman from London, said women still face constant male chauvinism, despite the fact she had obviously not done too badly herself.

She added: "When I applied to be deputy leader of the Labour party, I was not the best qualified candidate. The best qualified candidate was a spoon.

"If it was not for positive discrimination I would not have been able to get above myself in such an extravagant and irresponsible way."

Under Ms Harman's proposals women who want to be airline pilots will not have to be able to fly, but will get the job if they are roughly the same height as the male candidates and are able to wear a hat.

Positive discrimination will also be extended to food stuffs and inanimate objects so that if a man is up against a tea cup, the tea cup will be offered the job.

Ms Harman said: "If vegetables can produce, watch and star in Big Brother, there is no reason why a large piece of wood cannot run Vodafone."

But Bill McKay, deputy director of the CBI, dismissed claims of workplace discrimination, adding: "These days most organisations simply choose whoever is the least biggest arsehole. If only the Labour Party would do the same."

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