THE next Star Wars film will feature a 61-year-old Luke Skywalker breaking off a lightsaber battle to have a sit down.
Skywalker will be seen running out of puff during an epic battle with Empire forces.
A Disney source says: “Old Luke’s all gung-ho about fighting some stormtroopers but he quickly becomes knackered.
“Then he’s all like, ‘give me a second guys, Jesus Christ’ and the Empire forces let him have a minute to get his breath back.”
As I ride in this black hackney cab across London to get to the after show at uncle Damon’s place, I’m reminded of just how much this city has influenced my music.
Look there, for example. That’s Trafalgar Square. In the middle you’ll see Nelson’s Column, who was like a great English seaman. I wrote my song Fifteen about his famous death scene, where he asked a male friend to kiss him. It’s so beautiful when a dude can kiss a dude and everything’s still groovy between them afterwards. But what’s not cool is if a guy wants to do that with a girl who’s fifteen because if people find out, your career will be over, Nelson.
Here on the left we can see the Tower of London, which is probably where I would most like to go when I get sent to jail. It is the perfect place for a girl to rethink her life choices. Who wouldn’t immediately rehabilitate surrounded by these stunning original feature walls and that subtle uplighting?
But if history shows us anything, it’s that some dumb people won’t repent, even when they are visiting the Tower and you ask them to account for why they’ve done all this sick shit to your favourite mascara wand again. “Oh, Taylor” he said, “because I was so unbearably itchy.” And I’m like “You know, what, Sid O? (I said it like that for anonymity reasons). You reckon you’re sorry now, but I think you’re just saying it to try and make me put my soup down.” Point is, he wasn’t really sorry and that was the predominant underlying theme in my 2008 track, You’re Not Sorry.
And we all know this one of course: it’s the Buckingham Palace, home to Prince William and Kate. Their love has been truly inspirational to me: when I wrote my song The Way I Loved You it was about how sometimes you can’t love someone in a normal way, especially if their face is all weird and their penis is like really thin and long. So you need to love them in a different way which can almost be as much fun as with a regular guy. That’s why I ate so many bananas when I was dating my ex lover, VP Joe B. Sadly, it ended when I developed terrible thrush.
