THERESA May has persuaded US business leaders not to ignore the UK by begging pathetically.

The prime minister had hoped to convince major US companies that Brexit was a good idea, but was forced instead to grovel humiliatingly to make them stay in the country.

May said: “I decided the best chance of keeping them here was straightforward begging, so I kept saying ‘Please don’t take your lovely businesses away!’ in the desperate wailing voice of a supply teacher pleading with kids to stop throwing things.

“They looked embarrassed and the woman from IBM tried to leave, but I managed to stop her by sobbing and offering her 10 Downing Street as an office.

“The Goldman Sachs guys kept talking about relocating but reconsidered after I knelt on the floor with my hands clasped and said, ‘Please! I’m begging you! I’M BEGGING YOU!’

“I’d have preferred a more businesslike meeting but it shows Britain can still attract the world’s top companies, even if it’s out of pity.”

An Amazon spokesman said: “We have no plans to leave the UK but will be taking up Ms May’s offer of turning Buckingham Palace into a DVD warehouse.”