Hollywood confounded by thin non-black hacker

PRODUCERS of blockbuster movies have been dismayed by Edward Snowden’s failure to be either black, fat, or a fat black man.

Hollywood has called for a news blackout on Snowden following the revelation of his unexceptional whiteness, attractive girlfriend and dangerously non-pizza diet.

Action film producer Tom Booker said: “I cast hackers as black men and fat men because everyone else in the film’s slim, sexy and white and I need some comic relief.

“Now this caucasian guy comes along who doesn’t even wear shorts or live in his mother’s basement. What the fuck?

“Please tell me he’s at least some kind of savant with a weird speech impediment.

“Or that he’s going to be killed by a massive electric shock administered via his keyboard.”

The movie industry has been further damaged by footage showing Snowden using a computer in a well-lit room, rather than in darkness lit only by the green glow of a screen while hammering the keyboard like Jools Holland on meth.

The whistleblower also refused to confirm that he saved the leaked data on a USB stick while a progress bar titled DOWNLOADING SECRET DOCUMENTS AT 65% slowly filled as NSA agents cut through the door with a welder.

Responding to criticism that he wasn’t a proper hacker, Snowden said: “Okay, I borked the NSA’s servers using a combination of array indices, ghost algorithms, and router panics, which digitally teabagged their firewalls.

“Then I shouted ‘Pwned,’ while chugging Red Bull. Happy now?”

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Remember, the bit between your genitals and your bumhole is called ‘the rest of your body’ if you take the long route.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your first day as a sound engineer for Ant & Dec goes badly when you only bring three functioning mics.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Stop trying to convince people your vegetarian food tastes nice. You sound like a bloke trying to talk his girlfriend into anal.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You’re not rocking up, you’re arriving. You’re not rocking some clothing, you’re wearing it. I’m not rocking your face, I’m punching it.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
After suggesting GCSEs be graded 1-8 rather than A*-G, you spend the rest of the day off to congratulate yourself on a job well done.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You want Sylvester McCoy to be the new Dr Who, primarily because you couldn’t give a belt-sanded frig about Dr Who.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
It’s easy to urinate in a Tuscan city. Pisa piss.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
The Bilderberg Group is discussing dark, mysterious things that fill your mind with terror and panic – numbers.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your job interview goes badly when you wake up soaked in your own piss four hours after it was meant to take place.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Next time you’re in a restaurant, why not alleviate the dreadful, tense silence while the waiter opens the wine by saying “…so anyway, by now I’ve snipped off all but his thumbs and he still won’t give me his pin number…”

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Scientists have worked out what the atmosphere on Mars would smell like. Bad news – it’s your mum.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Would you like to upgrade your entire life now? Y/N (Note: Update may delete every single aspect of your personality.)