Bitter woman turns friend’s break-up into hateful best-seller

A WOMAN has turned eight years of incessant bitching about her friend’s partner into a best-selling book.

After Holly Turnbull split amicably from her long-term boyfriend, Nikki Hollis produced the 100,000-word book on how he was never good enough for her in 72 hours.

Hollis said: “If I had to name my literary influences I’d say Flaubert’s Madame Bovary, the essays of Gloria Steinem and the first side of Jagged Little Pill by Alanis Morrissette.”

Hollis is now in talks for the film rights to He Looks Like a Pervert Anyway. Producers say it will be the 50 Shades of Grey of silently fuming at someone else’s happiness.

Turnbull said: “My ex and Nikki went on a couple of dates about five years ago but he wasn’t that keen.”

Hollis added: “That’s not true, you’re remembering that wrong. Probably because you’ve been through so much emotional abuse.”

The author’s next book will be a soaring epic on how Kathy at work always gets picked for business trips and how Hollis would also have been promoted twice in 18 months if she was a total slut.

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Jihadi John 'used to be a schoolboy'

BRITAIN is recoiling from news that ‘Jihadi John’ was, from the age of six to 18, a child who attended school.

Photographs of the ISIS terrorist wearing a school uniform have contradicted popular beliefs that he grew up as a masked Islamic extremist in west London.

Francesca Johnson, from Croydon, said: “Apparently John, as a child, enjoyed watching children’s television, reading children’s books and playing with other children.

“And rather than being that one kid in the class who wore an Osama bin Laden T-shirt on school trips and demanded all the girls be expelled, he played computer games and listened to S Club 7.”

Johnson added: “I haven’t had my world shaken like this since the last time I found out a serial killer was a quiet type who kept himself to himself, as opposed to inviting everyone round for murder parties.”

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