Alcohol

EVERYONE knows drinking wine under 11 per cent is a waste of time. Here are five great wines to try, but if there’s a bottle of Calpol knocking around you should probably go for that instead.

TRY these handy methods of getting red wine stains out of your soft furnishings while simultaneously sobbing because you know they won’t work.

A MAN who has been off the booze since the early hours of 1st January is baffled as to why he is still overweight.

BRITAIN’S pubs will have a section of the bar reserved for people who know what they are doing this Christmas.

AN office worker with a gin advent calendar is knocking back the contents at 9am every day, colleagues have confirmed.

A WOMAN has decided she can be legitimately drunk from now until January by claiming she is simply getting into the festive spirit.

A WINE shop that is stockpiling as much as booze as possible has been praised for its deep understanding of Britain.

EVERY single man on a stag night is claiming to be ready to keep partying into the early hours while secretly desperate to go to bed.

PEOPLE who go on about gin have been reminded that it should not be used a personality substitute.

DO you fancy having several drinks this evening and need an excuse even if you know it’s bollocks? Try these flimsy but effective justifications.