Which bullshit excuse are you using to get pissed tonight?

DO you fancy having several drinks this evening and need an excuse even if you know it’s bollocks? Try these flimsy but effective justifications.

Someone on Facebook had a glass of wine

A completely rock-solid reason to have a drink. If you become an alcoholic it’s clearly the fault of social media. Or the government. Or whoever invented computers. But definitely not you.

You put wine in the meal you’re cooking so the bottle’s open now

Just neglect to mention you have spaghetti bolognese six times a week so you can add a tiny splash of red wine and drink the rest of the bottle.

A news story saying alcohol is good for you

Every couple of months a news story claims alcohol is good for you, so get stuck in. Ignore the fact that it usually refers to a small glass of red wine, not the 10 cans of Stella or bottle of gin you’re planning.

You may also see news stories saying alcohol is bad for you, in which case also get pissed to show you won’t be bullied by the nanny state.

You partner is having a drink

This may sound as though you are simply giving in to temptation, but actually you’re helping to cement your relationship. If you got divorced it would be awful, so actually you’re drinking all that Merlot out of love for your kids.

There is half a bottle of wine in the fridge that ‘needs’ drinking

Everyone agrees unfinished wine ‘needs’ to be drunk so it must be true. Undrunk wine will probably become dangerously unstable and explode, or grow deadly bacteria that wipes out mankind. Do the right thing and get pissed.

You had a shit day/You had a great day

Alcohol is a great way to de-stress after a hard day or celebrate a really good day. It is also fine to drink on an uneventful day because the last thing anyone wants is a sense of ennui.

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May to bring out goat dressed as Boris Johnson then strangle it

THE prime minister is to enliven her speech by bringing out a goat dressed as Boris Johnson then strangling it.

Theresa May, hoping to win members round after the warm reception afforded to her rival yesterday, believes the goat-strangling will appeal to ordinary Tories’ desire for wanton cruelty.

A Conservative insider said: “Mainly she’ll be saying all the exact same things as she’s been saying for two years, because she’s broken inside and we just can’t stop her.

“But halfway through she’ll bring on the goat, which with its stupid fancy horns and inhuman slit-pupilled eyes actually does resemble the former foreign secretary, and just belittle it.

“She’ll mock its record as Mayor of London, its terrible stint in office, its inability to keep its goaty penis in check, its shit columns for the Telegraph and how it pisses in its own beard, all of which the audience will eat up.

“Then she’ll wrestle the goat to the floor, say ‘Brexit means Brexit and I’m determined to make a success of it’ and strangle it with her immaculate yet powerful hands.”

Following the speech, polls are predicted to show BoJo the Goat as the runaway leader in the race to head the Tories with posthumous election guaranteed.

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