MOTHERS across the UK are very, very drunk right now, it has emerged.
Mums who normally stop after two glasses of wine have finished the bottle and have rapidly moved from merry to smashed, just like they do every year.
Helen Archer, a mother of three, is delighting her children with her uncharacteristic drunken antics while continuing to insist she is not intoxicated in the least.
Daughter Sierra said: “She’s trying to get us all up to dance now. She’s put on Young At Heart by the Bluebells and she’s calling us boring bastards. This is brilliant.
“Her paper crown’s crooked, she’s flushed and she’s just told Dad if he won’t dance for one song then he can forget about his ‘New Year’s bonk’ this bloody year. And she’s told my brother Oliver that’s where he came from.
“Now she’s dancing with the dog. Now she’s fallen over and said ‘Oh shit’ instead of ‘Oh sugar lumps’. I’m going to get her another glass. This is better than last year.”
Helen said: “Drunk? I don’t get drunk. I think a few of those chocolates your Dad got me might have been booby. I mean boozy. I’m going upstairs for a lie down.”
Mum then slept for three hours before coming downstairs complaining of a headache and making a mug of tea before starting on the washing up.
